I write this post
with a heavy heart, yet a smile on my face. What started as a form of therapy,
this blog has gone above and beyond what I ever anticipated it would be. On
Friday 8th January 2016, I clicked ‘post’ on the first of many honest
accounts of my experiences during the diagnosis, treatment and ongoing recovery
from my eating disorder. Each post provided an opportunity to explore why I was
feeling certain emotions and engaging in specific behaviours, which helped me
understand what my eating disorder was ‘offering’ me in life. Yes, I did just
say ‘offering’, because in reality, at that point in my life, anorexia nervosa
gave me something. It gave me the chance to feel in control and to punish
myself for the choices I had made; and it worked, reminding me every single day
that I really was not worthy of health, happiness and life. But I could not see
it for myself. I had become the eating disorder and nothing that anyone could
say or do would make me think differently about this flourishing relationship I
had with anorexia. Conversations with therapists, my parents and my best
friends provided an initial spark to make change, but it did not take long
before anorexia convinced me otherwise. However, putting my thoughts and
feelings in writing? That was different.
It started as a
diary in hospital, taking some time out every evening before I went to bed to
document my thoughts and feelings from the day. No matter how insignificant, I
wrote about it. From meal planning to yoga classes, every piece of information
from that day was recorded. Little did I know that 127 days later I would have
created my first motivational resource that would allow me to reflect on all of
the emotional and physical experiences I had endured during my time in the
specialist eating disorder unit. Although a difficult read, I still have this
personal documentation in the top drawer next to my bed, just to remind me of the
distress, pain and isolation that anorexia ‘offered’ me.
However, it was
during my time at the eating disorder day patient clinic immediately after
being discharged from hospital that I realised the significance that writing
that diary had on my recovery. Not only had it benefited me personally, but
also it had allowed me to communicate to people how I was feeling, which I had
previously struggled to articulate. There were certain feelings, behaviours and
thoughts that I had felt embarrassed to talk about, for the fear of being
ridiculed, yet when they were written down I was able to realise for myself
just how abnormal and outlandish they sounded. This not only helped me to
challenge my eating disorder for myself, but it also posed the question “am I
really the only person that experiences this?” I figured that I probably
wasn’t, but it made me worry about the people that may also be engaging in the
same behaviours and routines, ruled by the anorexic voice, and I wanted them to
know that they are not alone and that they too can get help.
So that was it,
my story went public. Every Step, Another Story was launched. Unafraid of the
judgment, ignorance or ridicule, I wanted people to know that mental ill health
is serious and that it nearly cost me my life. I wanted mental health to be
openly discussed amongst families, friends and workplaces, and I particularly
wanted the perception of eating disorders to change. Now, 81 posts and 82,560
views later, I am proud to have shared truthful accounts of the difficulties I
have endured, as well as the triumphs I have celebrated with wonderful readers
around the world, in the hope that it educates, instills hopefulness and shares
support.
From travelling
independently to starting university again, the last three years have been a
whirlwind of challenges and successes that have contributed to the relationship
I have with my mind and body today. Although this relationship fluctuates from
time to time, I have found healthy ways to manage this that have no longer required
me to write any content for this blog. I initially saw this as a negative
situation because I felt as though I was letting people down by not updating
the blog with new content. Yet, after speaking with my parents, I have realised
that this is in fact incredibly positive. It shows that I have developed the
healthy tools and skills I need to manage my illness, by communicating my
difficulties verbally with my amazing family and friends. Therefore, I wanted
to write this post to make you all aware that for the time being my blogging
will be less frequent. I am not blindsided by the bright lights of recovery; I
am aware that anorexia can tighten its grasp at the signs of any vulnerability.
But at this moment I feel strong and supported, which means less necessity to
write and reflect on the challenges I experience. Now I want to use this
strength to continue my work as a Beat Ambassador, a Student Minds Fundraising
Champion, a Rethink Media Volunteer and in all of the other mental health
related projects I am now involved with at university. My life has become
incredibly exciting recently and as I enter my final year of studying, I am
enthused about the prospect of developing a career within the mental health
sector and I hope that I can use my personal and professional experience to
find a job that will enable me to offer support to those that need it. At this
point I would just like to thank everybody that has supported me throughout the
growth of this blog and in helping me share my story to achieve the goals I
envisioned. Every like, share or retweet has sent the message that little bit
further and hopefully enabled it to reach somebody that needs it. The blog will
not be going anywhere, so please continue to use and share the posts whenever
you need to!
This is by no
means the last step to end my story; it is just the beginning of a new chapter.
