One Diary Entry at a Time...

I want to start the next section of this post by saying that I don’t intend for any of these diary entries to cause anybody any upset or distress. To be honest, when I read them back it is as if it isn’t even me that is writing them. I want to publish them to show exactly where my mind was at during this time of my recovery. Even though I obviously cannot publish the more severe entries, you will see that it was not in the best state at all, but unfortunately that is the reality of the condition I was in. It is evident that there was such a mix of emotions going on throughout my time during hospital. Some days I felt empowered and extremely motivated to recover, then others I would be overwhelmed with the anorexic thoughts. It was frustrating and exhausting.

Day 1- 16.07.15

Dinner time. A fish cake, new potatoes and peas. The lack of knowledge that I had about the ingredients, calorie content and portion size was extremely distressing. I started to cut up my food as I would normally do and one of the nurses told me kindly not too. I started to cry because I don’t know how to eat any other way. I managed to eat it but the feeling of regret and fullness was overwhelming. The comfort of knowing mum was waiting for me in my room was reassuring and I couldn’t wait to hug her. I don’t know what I am going to do without her and dad being with me.

I just want this horrible illness to leave me alone, but I cant remember my life without it.

Day 8- 23.07.15

I really struggled with tea. It was jacket potato with prawns in a seafood sauce and salad. I was so uncomfortable and got really overwhelmed with pain that I was crippled over the table crying. However, I was determined to finish my pudding of pear and yoghurt, and I managed it!

Day 11- 26.07.15

I broke down again to one of the nurses after tea. I just don’t want to have to eat this food, but I know that I need to. I found out that my BMI has gone up and I know I should be pleased about this but I instantly became overwhelmed with negative thoughts. I don’t want to feel like this but I can’t help it.

Day 21- 05.08.15

My one to one looked at goals that I set myself now, and goals that I had before my eating disorder. It was interesting to see that my goals now are to be healthy and happy, whereas before they were very much success and career driven. I realise now that even if I did achieve academic success, I wouldn’t necessarily be happy.

Day 33- 17.08.15

Tea was quinoa stuffed peppers and half a panini with salad. I had a huge bit of panini which I wasn’t happy about, and it was dripping with butter. I tried to avoid eating the cheese but was made to eat it. Pudding was yoghurt and a pear. I felt so guilty afterwards because I could have left quite a lot of yoghurt in the pot and it wouldn’t have been noticed!

Day 44- 28.08.15

Pudding was chocolate sponge and chocolate sauce, and I can’t believe I am admitting this, but I actually kind of enjoyed it.

Day 52- 05.09.15

I got really upset. I wanted to go back home desperately. I hate it here. We were talking for ages and I kept thinking to myself, who am I staying thin for? Who is it helping? What am I gaining from it? I need to do this now to get home! This week in meal planning I am going to pick foods that I actually like rather than what I think is the ‘best’ option.

Day 83- 06.10.15

This morning I went for my first unescorted snack out. I got my flapjack out of my bag and started to eat it. I decided to break it up to eat it because I wanted to snack on it bit by bit. I ate it all! I think sitting in the maternity unit café was definitely a good motivation to eat them last few crumbs. I sat staring at them for ages battling whether to eat them or not, but I won the battle!

Day 99- 22.10.15

Yoga was lovely and I am definitely improving, or I feel like I am anyway. Afterwards we went for snack out to Café Nero. I really didn’t know what to pick. Again, I was faced with calorie information and thoughts about what I have to eat throughout the rest of the day. I eventually decided on an oat and raisin cookie, partly based on choice, but probably more based on the calorie tag displayed. I did feel as though I had made a bad decision when the other girls picked the same biscuit as each other. I enjoyed the cookie but now I am worried because I am on raisins and nuts this afternoon! I get so angry with myself because I know I need to gain the weight, so why can’t I eat what I need.

Day 100- 23.10.15

I started making tea which was a good experiment for me and also really enjoyable that I was actually doing something independently. I made a sort of curry with onion, squash, carrots and butterbeans in. The recipe didn’t say to add the beans but I knew that I wouldn’t have had any protein otherwise. This shows that I am learning about what my body needs. I added the right amount of oil as well, which I was proud of, but this did make it harder to eat because I was aware of how much was in it.

Day 105- 28.10.15

I feel in a really rubbish mood today and I don’t know why. I just don’t want to be here, I don’t want this illness, I just want to do something with my life.

Day 119- 11.11.15

I had a one to one with one of the nurses, and it firstly involved Googling what stage her baby is at the minute. It was so nice to just talk to her about normal life and get excited. Then we were talking about me, and I told her about Evolve and explained how it worries me what I will look like at a healthy BMI. She kept saying that I would look fantastic judging by past photos she has seen, but I still don’t see it. She was also telling me how critically ill I was when I came in here and I really didn’t think I was at all. I need to get my weight up now, not just for discharge, but for skiing and my life!

Day 127- 19.11.15

Today I made the final decision that I want to be discharged tomorrow. I weighed up the pros and cons; with the ultimate outcome being that I am ready! It did make today hard though. In group I started to cry at what the other girls were saying, particularly one of the girls. I am going to miss her so much. I am still going to come and visit her a lot, and I hope I can continue to support her all the way through this. I am a mix of emotions, sad, happy and excited. I know that this is the fresh start to my life that I need, and I aren’t going to let anorexia factor itself into any of it! I am probably more thrilled about the fact that another person that is currently suffering can have the opportunity to receive such incredible and life saving care in this unit.

A Letter to Anorexia...

Many people that suffer with an eating disorder have different ways of dealing with it, sometimes considering it to be a living being. Personally, I do not like to think of it as that, I found that if I started to consider it as a living being, then it became more real and less detachable. However, for the purpose of one of my therapy projects, I had to write a letter to Anorexia on 29.07.15, which I have displayed below.

Dear Anorexia,

I cannot imagine the elation you felt when I accepted you as a friend all that time ago. How could I not? You possess all the qualities I look for in a friend- loyal, encouraging and supportive.

I cannot fault your loyalty. You have stuck by me when at times I felt like I had no one else to turn to. When I was coping with academic pressure at school, college and university, you were the one thing I could confide in that made me feel like I had some stability and order in my life. This brought me great comfort, in the knowledge that I had something that I had control over and something I could make a success of.

Your ability to encourage is second to none. I have not met anybody else in my lifetime that has the ability to convert somebody’s way of thinking so dramatically in such a short space of time. For example, who knew that one day I would be enjoying a slice of cheesecake, and the next your wise words would prevent me from going anywhere near one for 3 years.

You have always been there to support me. Whenever I would even consider focusing on anything else I enjoy, you would continuously make an appearance just to remind me you are always there. If I intended to go out for a meal with family, you always supported me, guiding me into doing research on the menu beforehand, just in case I pick something that would send me over my daily calorie limit.

Without you being present in my life for the past few years, who knows where I would have been? What I would have done? Who I would have become?

Well I know one thing for sure, I would not have been sat writing this letter on my bed, as an inpatient in an eating disorder unit.

It is only now that I am receiving help from a hospital team that are loyal, encouraging and supportive in the right way, that I can finally see your true colours. Your manipulative ways have clouded over my ability to identify what you really are, and consequently my life has suffered significantly because of this. Not only have you impacted immensely on my physical health, but also the damage you have done mentally is something that is probably going to cost me another few years of my life in recovery.

When I think of all the things you have taken away from me, I do not even know who I am anymore. Who is the real Jess? Right now she is isolated, immobile and irritable. She doesn’t have determination to achieve her career goals and travelling ambitions. She doesn’t have the confidence to engage in social activities, and even if she wanted to, I can guarantee that you would be there to remind me of your existence.

But right now I have the ability to change all that with the guidance and aid of all of the staff members on the ward. So as an individual, I have access to the short-term support I need to be as deceitful to you as what you have been to me. However, the one thing that will infuriate me for the rest of my life is the effect that you have had on my family and everybody else around me. The fact that you have left a negative impression on me is something that I can cope with, but it is not fair on everybody else.

The way that you have managed to worm your way into every aspect of my life and have such a detrimental impact on everyone that I love is inexcusable. Unfortunately for you, I have the most incredible family that has supported me continuously, even when I have treated them in unforgivable ways. I can’t say that it has all been down to you, but I think it would be fair to say that you have been a huge contribution to my mood swings and irritable behaviour.

All this time I believed that you were something that I had control over. However, after writing this letter, I can see that this could not be further from the truth. You have all the control. You found me at a time when I was most vulnerable and ceased the opportunity to add me to your never-ending list of sufferers. Except now I am ready to embrace the long journey to recovery and cut all ties with you. I know that you will try and make an appearance at various stages of my life, but hopefully I will have the strength to push you away and remember this moment in my life and the feelings I am experiencing towards you.

In a way I want to say thank you. You have proven to me exactly what a friend shouldn’t be.

Yours sincerely,

Jess

One Wake Up Call at a Time...

Thursday 16^th July 2015. As written on the first page of my diary, ‘The Beginning of the Rest of my Life.’ This was the day that I was voluntarily admitted into Rharian Fields in Grimsby. I walked in believing that I was going to be walking back out after 2 weeks. Little did I know that this was going to be the hardest, rewarding and life changing 4 months of my life. Unpacking my bags and watching mum make my bed whilst I wait to have my first blood test, I glanced around the room. No lock on the door, emergency call buttons on the wall, and a wheelchair that waited at the entrance of my room to be used as a means of mobility around the unit for the next two weeks. Even then, I couldn’t quite comprehend the situation that I had found myself in. The treatment began; I was placed onto a re-feeding meal plan, having daily one-to-ones and attending educational groups. These were things that I should have been able to access in the community, however they are not available in the East Riding, so hospital was my only option.

Here is an account of what I had to endure throughout my time in hospital:

·   Medical assessments- blood pressure, temperature and pulse monitoring twice daily for two weeks.

·   Blood tests taken daily and at 2:00am on the first night, for 10 days.

·   Blood sugar levels tested 4-6 times daily for several days, possibly up to 2 weeks. I was nearly admitted to A&E on the first night because my sugar levels where critically low but I was not displaying any symptoms at all which the nurses where concerned about.

·   I was on 4 types of medication to improve the health of my brain and strengthen my bones. I also had to ingest glucose tablets, sometimes 4 a day to stabilise my blood sugars.

·   I was in a wheelchair for 2 weeks because my BMI was so low and my body couldn’t cope, even though mentally I was still being driven to walk around.

·   Regular eating of large meals at extremely regimented times, including snacks and puddings.

·   Living with 4 other people that were also suffering with eating disorders and engaging in damaging behaviours.

·   Had to ask to get a drink, because everything had to be monitored and observed.

·   Weekly reviews to ask if you could have time out of hospital or even if you could start portioning your own meals, including if you could make a hot drink.

·   Could start having snacks out and going home after 7 weeks.

As you can imagine, this was incredibly difficult to cope with, and being faced with ‘fear foods’ at every single meal and trying to stomach the amount that you are being given to eat was excruciating; for both mind and body. I cried at practically every meal because the anorexic voice was screaming at everything that I was doing. After a while you start to accept that it isn’t you that is putting yourself through this, it is everybody else forcing you. This slightly relieves the anorexic thoughts because you eliminate all responsibility for what you are eating and the lack of activity that you are doing. So just when you feel like you are improving, you begin to portion your own meals and pick your own snacks which places all the responsibility back on you, and the nightmare strikes up again. It is a huge rollercoaster and something I would never wish upon anybody. The battle is still there and some days you can feel as though you are absolutely fine. However, anorexia likes to cling onto your life and even when I was improving in terms of restoring weight and gaining a healthier relationship with food, I was constantly reminded of the fact that the illness isn’t going to go away over night, similarly to how it doesn’t develop that quickly. Nevertheless, I did find different ways of coping with difficult experiences in hospital, such as relaxation techniques, having Reiki sessions with one of the wonderful nursing assistants and doing crafts. I picked up quite a reputation for completing jigsaws in record time, and as soon as I finished one, sure enough I would receive another in the post from family members. I found that doing the jigsaws was a fantastic way to quieten the negative thoughts that were racing through my mind.

There was very little that would encourage you to get through a day in hospital, other than the determination to get better and get out of there! However, as soon as 7pm arrived and visitors could walk through the door, that was enough motivation for you to consume that last mouthful. Just the sight of a familiar face and a realisation that you were going to be able to find out something that was happening out in the real world was incredibly uplifting. I find that the best way to describe hospital is like a bubble; you can see and hear everything that is happening on the outside, but you have no way of getting out to experience it for yourself. All I can say is that having visitors makes you remember that there is a life outside of hospital, and that is so motivating for recovery. When I look back, I do feel guilty about how I utilised some of these visits. It is awful when you are having a bad day and you know you have somebody coming to see you, but you are just in such a foul mood and can’t break yourself out of it. Sometimes I would just sit and cry, or try to do everything to avoid conversation. As wonderful as it is to hear about things going on in the ‘outside world’, the fact you are stuck in hospital makes you become so frustrated because you cannot change the situation you are in.

On the other hand, one of the many things that I did learn at hospital was that I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t the only person having to deal with this illness. I made some incredibly close friendships in hospital, and these are something that I will value for the rest of my life. Unless you have been in this situation, you will not understand how having somebody that is willing to listen and converse with you about your problems, can have such an incredible impact on your emotions. Whether this person is another patient or one of the nurses/nursing assistants. I don’t really like calling the clinical staff as their job roles because they are so much more than that. They become your guardian angels, your support network, and whilst remaining professional, one of your best friends. They provide you with a shoulder to cry on, remain calm and rationalise situations when you are screaming in their face about the way a meal is prepared or portioned up. They are saintly, and if the world didn’t have people like that in it, then I would have no hope for anybody. They truly turned my life around, and I will be forever grateful for that.

One Moment of Acceptance at a Time...

In January 2015 my incredibly brave parents confronted me about my rapid weight loss and eating habits. I call them brave because as with most families, you never want to admit that something is wrong, particularly with your own child. Of course, I didn’t see that there was a problem at all and completely dismissed what they were saying to me about my weight loss, as to be honest my mind was so distorted that I couldn’t actually see what I was doing to my body. I visited the doctor under their suggestion and he mentioned seeing a dietician to discuss why I was losing weight, but nothing else was mentioned after that. It actually turned out that the doctor had weighed and heighted me, miscalculating my BMI to be within the healthy category. It was quite clear that it was far lower than this, but this is why no red flags had been raised.

After nothing had been implemented through the NHS, due to no services being available in the East Riding, my parents decided to take action themselves and paid for me to see a private dietician. I was still completely in denial about my current situation and just listed off what I was eating. Not quite specifying the amounts and certainly not accounting for food that I was throwing away. She gave me a vague meal plan and we arranged another appointment. It was only throughout the time between me visiting her and my next appointment that I started to realise that my life and eating habits were not normal. I became aware whilst watching Supersize VS Superskinny, particularly episodes where they followed a group of anorexia sufferers, that I could very much relate to the struggles that they were experiencing. During my next appointment I broke down and admitted that I had a problem, but still up until April I had no specific eating disorder help, except a generic meal plan, and during that time I lost another considerable amount of weight.

I was assigned a new doctor in April and that was when action started taking place up until me being admitted to hospital in July, but I cannot stress how much of a lengthy process it was. Even though 4 months doesn’t sound long, you have to understand that I was decreasing in weight extremely rapidly due to not receiving psychological help. Anybody can be given a meal plan to follow, but if you cannot get the psychological help alongside it, then it is completely pointless and that is what I am trying to challenge within the community.

Here is an account of everything that I went through between the months of April through to July in terms of trying to access help:

·   Referred to a gastroenterologist, an NHS dietician and a local community team.

·   2 assessments with the community team but no specific help could be offered.

·   2 assessments with a private psychologist whom my parents sourced, but I was then informed that my BMI was too low to be able to do psychological work.

·   2 assessments with a Hull based eating disorder service, which I was told I could not access because I live in the East Riding, however I begged them to help me find a place in a hospital because I was at a point of complete despair.

·   1 assessment at Grimsby Hospital.

·   Admitted into hospital 16^th July- 20^th November 2015.

It was an incredibly long process and throughout it all I was experiencing more and more of the physical and emotional effects previously stated. As you can imagine this was having a massive impact on my family which I was completely ignorant of. My parents were at a loss as to what they could do in terms of trying to find me the help. They even bought books and did their own research on eating disorders to try and find ways that I could attempt to recover through self help. I could see what they were trying to do but I had had literally embodied this mental illness. There was no trace of Jess left inside me. I started to say to myself, ‘if nobody wants to help me then why should I help myself.’ I was utterly defeated. I cannot thank my family, friends and colleagues enough for just trying to keep me afloat whilst I was sinking throughout this entire process. Well, I say process, but to me it seemed like the most unorganised, miscommunicated and delayed ordeal that could have been possible. It was as if nobody was in a rush. I am sure that the professionals were trying to do as much as they could, but to my family and I, it felt like somebody was writing my name on a to-do-list and rewriting it everyday for weeks on end. Every time I went for an assessment, information would have been miscommunicated. Firstly, my BMI was calculated wrong, seemingly grouping me in the healthy range, which I was not. Secondly, my height was passed on as being 1m tall, this is not correct, I am 1.68m. Finally, and the most surprisingly of all, it was handed over that my weight was 10kg lower than what it actually was! Even when this alarming weight was transferred, it still did not prompt anybody to see me any sooner. I was still driving to and from work, which I am now aware that I should not have been doing at all. I received no medical advice about this, and only now that I know more about the unfit state I was in, I realise how incredibly dangerous this was. I can see my family and friends frustration now, as looking back at previous diaries and photographs it was evident that I was simply wasting away. I could not see it myself, but in July I had simply had enough with not being able to focus on anything, do anything and constantly being referred to other professionals. However, it was only when I got to hospital that I realised the extent of how much damage I had been doing to my actual body.