20 January 2016
One Diary Entry at a Time...
I want to start the next section of this post by saying that I don’t intend for any of these diary entries to cause anybody any upset or distress. To be honest, when I read them back it is as if it isn’t even me that is writing them. I want to publish them to show exactly where my mind was at during this time of my recovery. Even though I obviously cannot publish the more severe entries, you will see that it was not in the best state at all, but unfortunately that is the reality of the condition I was in. It is evident that there was such a mix of emotions going on throughout my time during hospital. Some days I felt empowered and extremely motivated to recover, then others I would be overwhelmed with the anorexic thoughts. It was frustrating and exhausting.
Day 1- 16.07.15
Dinner time. A fish cake, new potatoes and peas. The lack of knowledge that I had about the ingredients, calorie content and portion size was extremely distressing. I started to cut up my food as I would normally do and one of the nurses told me kindly not too. I started to cry because I don’t know how to eat any other way. I managed to eat it but the feeling of regret and fullness was overwhelming. The comfort of knowing mum was waiting for me in my room was reassuring and I couldn’t wait to hug her. I don’t know what I am going to do without her and dad being with me.
I just want this horrible illness to leave me alone, but I cant remember my life without it.
Day 8- 23.07.15
I really struggled with tea. It was jacket potato with prawns in a seafood sauce and salad. I was so uncomfortable and got really overwhelmed with pain that I was crippled over the table crying. However, I was determined to finish my pudding of pear and yoghurt, and I managed it!
Day 11- 26.07.15
I broke down again to one of the nurses after tea. I just don’t want to have to eat this food, but I know that I need to. I found out that my BMI has gone up and I know I should be pleased about this but I instantly became overwhelmed with negative thoughts. I don’t want to feel like this but I can’t help it.
Day 21- 05.08.15
My one to one looked at goals that I set myself now, and goals that I had before my eating disorder. It was interesting to see that my goals now are to be healthy and happy, whereas before they were very much success and career driven. I realise now that even if I did achieve academic success, I wouldn’t necessarily be happy.
Day 33- 17.08.15
Tea was quinoa stuffed peppers and half a panini with salad. I had a huge bit of panini which I wasn’t happy about, and it was dripping with butter. I tried to avoid eating the cheese but was made to eat it. Pudding was yoghurt and a pear. I felt so guilty afterwards because I could have left quite a lot of yoghurt in the pot and it wouldn’t have been noticed!
Day 44- 28.08.15
Pudding was chocolate sponge and chocolate sauce, and I can’t believe I am admitting this, but I actually kind of enjoyed it.
Day 52- 05.09.15
I got really upset. I wanted to go back home desperately. I hate it here. We were talking for ages and I kept thinking to myself, who am I staying thin for? Who is it helping? What am I gaining from it? I need to do this now to get home! This week in meal planning I am going to pick foods that I actually like rather than what I think is the ‘best’ option.
Day 83- 06.10.15
This morning I went for my first unescorted snack out. I got my flapjack out of my bag and started to eat it. I decided to break it up to eat it because I wanted to snack on it bit by bit. I ate it all! I think sitting in the maternity unit café was definitely a good motivation to eat them last few crumbs. I sat staring at them for ages battling whether to eat them or not, but I won the battle!
Day 99- 22.10.15
Yoga was lovely and I am definitely improving, or I feel like I am anyway. Afterwards we went for snack out to Café Nero. I really didn’t know what to pick. Again, I was faced with calorie information and thoughts about what I have to eat throughout the rest of the day. I eventually decided on an oat and raisin cookie, partly based on choice, but probably more based on the calorie tag displayed. I did feel as though I had made a bad decision when the other girls picked the same biscuit as each other. I enjoyed the cookie but now I am worried because I am on raisins and nuts this afternoon! I get so angry with myself because I know I need to gain the weight, so why can’t I eat what I need.
Day 100- 23.10.15
I started making tea which was a good experiment for me and also really enjoyable that I was actually doing something independently. I made a sort of curry with onion, squash, carrots and butterbeans in. The recipe didn’t say to add the beans but I knew that I wouldn’t have had any protein otherwise. This shows that I am learning about what my body needs. I added the right amount of oil as well, which I was proud of, but this did make it harder to eat because I was aware of how much was in it.
Day 105- 28.10.15
I feel in a really rubbish mood today and I don’t know why. I just don’t want to be here, I don’t want this illness, I just want to do something with my life.
Day 119- 11.11.15
I had a one to one with one of the nurses, and it firstly involved Googling what stage her baby is at the minute. It was so nice to just talk to her about normal life and get excited. Then we were talking about me, and I told her about Evolve and explained how it worries me what I will look like at a healthy BMI. She kept saying that I would look fantastic judging by past photos she has seen, but I still don’t see it. She was also telling me how critically ill I was when I came in here and I really didn’t think I was at all. I need to get my weight up now, not just for discharge, but for skiing and my life!
Day 127- 19.11.15
Today I made the final decision that I want to be discharged tomorrow. I weighed up the pros and cons; with the ultimate outcome being that I am ready! It did make today hard though. In group I started to cry at what the other girls were saying, particularly one of the girls. I am going to miss her so much. I am still going to come and visit her a lot, and I hope I can continue to support her all the way through this. I am a mix of emotions, sad, happy and excited. I know that this is the fresh start to my life that I need, and I aren’t going to let anorexia factor itself into any of it! I am probably more thrilled about the fact that another person that is currently suffering can have the opportunity to receive such incredible and life saving care in this unit.