8 February 2016

One Check Up at a Time...

So today I heard the words I have been longing to hear for the past 7 months…I am healthy! Officially physically healthy! I have broken through into that healthy BMI bracket, and let me tell you; after all of the hard work, anxiety and frustration I have gone through, that piece of news made it so worthwhile.

I never knew how I was going to react to this information; whether I would think that I could suddenly drop every aspect of my meal plan or start to slyly avoid certain food groups again. However, I literally could not think of anything worse than undoing all of the hard work and knowledge I have gained; plus I am enjoying my food so much more! It was by pure coincidence that mum and I had planned a food shop just after my doctor’s appointment, and this allowed me to challenge these thoughts and notions that I was fearful of surfacing. It turns out they didn’t! Yes, I had to tackle the usual label checking habits that still haunt me, but I continued to pick everything I would have done ordinarily in accordance to my meal plan. I think it helped that again I discussed with my mum the difficulties I was worried about facing, prior to walking into the shop, and she helped me when needed.

I have to add that the whole experience of the doctor’s has changed so much for me. Before my hospital admission, I was solely focused on what the numbers were going to be on the scales. I was completely oblivious to what the doctor was telling me about the significant depletion in the various vitamins and minerals in my blood from my test results. In fact, I wasn’t listening to anything that he was saying about the critical state my bones, immune system, heart, brain and all of my organs were in. All I was interested in was them numbers. Yet this time, it somehow felt different. Of course the numbers were important, but only because I want to be healthy; and to even begin to improve my mental health, the first hurdle I needed to overcome was the correction of my physical health. I was elated, but even more so to view my latest blood test results and see that every category was green! This evening, it wasn’t about how healthy I look on the outside, it was about me on the inside. I am repaired. I am functional. I am capable! These feelings of interest about the aspects of my body you cannot see has really surprised me, and consequently reaffirmed just how much damage this illness did to me internally. I neglected myself in so many ways.

I wanted to finish this post with a quote that I think is very apt for what I have realised today:

‘Whenever you feel sad, just remember that there are billions of cells in your body and all they care about is you.’