Christmas. If you had have asked me prior
to my illness developing I would have said: “My favourite time of the year!
Dark cosy nights; surrounded by family and friends; everybody laughing and full
of happiness. I cannot wait!” However,
my elation for this season slowly drifted away over the past few years.
Instead of being preoccupied with socialising and enjoying the festivities, I
found myself becoming overwhelmed with dread, anxiety and fear. The thought of
a buffet at a family friends house, the sight of a box of chocolates or the
smell of Christmas dinner made my stomach churn. What do I do? How do I avoid
it? What if somebody notices? I was constantly analysing every situation to see
if there was a way that I could either manipulate it or avoid it. I started
earlier in the year by dropping hints about not liking certain things anymore
so that it wasn’t as obvious when I didn’t eat it over the festive period. When
the social eating situations arrived I would arrange the food on my plate to
make it look like I was eating plenty, but in reality I was not. Again, my
eating disorder was ruling my entire life, and completely ruining what should
be the happiest times of my life; but this year was going to be different.
Being discharged from hospital on 20th
November 2015, I was determined to make the most of this Christmas. My whole
perspective on life had changed, and I did not want to miss out on any special
moments that I had with my incredible family. I started as I meant to go on by
asking mum if I could have a chocolate advent calendar, and to be honest I
don’t know who was more surprised by this request, Mum or me! My own voice was
getting louder and it was no longer being overshadowed with another that was
trying to depict what I should or shouldn’t do. I felt a sense of strength and
empowerment that I was recognising my own needs and desires, and not only that,
I was saying them aloud. I am not going to lie and say that there were no
negative thoughts causing havoc in my mind, but I had made a decision for me,
by me.
Christmas Eve is a hugely special day for
me. Even though I see my Dad every day, Christmas Eve is kind of like our day
together. We spend the entire time preparing all of the food for Christmas Day.
Previously an anxiety provoking situation, this year I couldn’t wait to be able
to rekindle the happiness that this day used to bring to me. We discussed how
things were going to be prepared for the meal and we agreed that certain foods
would be cooked in a way that I was comfortable with. Some people may think
that this was my anorexia manipulating another situation again, but it wasn’t.
I wanted to be able to try things again but without being overwhelmed with
negative thoughts, and so we came to a compromise with a few of the
ingredients. I also asked if I could prepare a pudding, because I don’t like
trifle, so that I wasn’t missing out on this part of the meal. Again, I was
using skills that I had learnt in hospital about communicating my issues to
reduce my anxiety and it worked so well for me. The day was an absolute joy,
but I still had one thing that I had left to challenge, a buffet at a family
friends house.
Firstly, I want to thank the team at Evolve
for preparing me for this social activity. During the previous week, at the day
patient service we prepared and ate our own Christmas buffet with all of the staff.
It was the perfect opportunity to be able to determine a plan of action for the
Christmas Eve event, and also to discuss any issues I had, so that they could
be resolved before I attended the social gathering. It definitely eased my
nerves and complex thoughts, so much so that I was actually really looking
forward to the occasion and being able to prove to everyone just how far I had
come.
When we arrived, the buffet was being
prepared and I could see and smell all of the food at the far end of the room.
Yes, I started to question what I was about to do, but no, I did not run away.
Mum recognised my moment of doubt and placed her hand on my back, which
instantly comforted me, knowing that I had her support. I was talking to
friends that I hadn’t seen all year and it was lovely. In fact the thoughts of
the buffet slowly started to take a back seat, and instead I was laughing and
listening attentively to the stories bouncing around the room. However, I do
still find that I get frustrated in these situations, because I want to be
‘normal’ like everyone else; not being concerned that there is food all around
the room, or the fact that we will be about to make our own decisions on what
goes on our plate in just a few moments time, not adhering to food rules that
have been established in our minds. But I remind myself that each year it will
get easier, and the more I challenge things, the lesser impact this disorder
will have on my life. With my plan of
action that I formulated at Evolve in my mind, I approached the buffet
alongside everybody else. I found that if I chose things that were slightly
more difficult to make decisions on first, and then I could relax as I finished
the route around the table. I also took this approach when I was eating the
food, although I did really surprise myself with how comfortable I was with the
situation! I pushed myself to challenge these rules that I have in my mind, and
with no labels in sight this was made so much easier. I know that labels are
something I really do need to work on, but I am not putting too much pressure
on myself to tackle every challenge at once. I felt really positive about the
progress I had made, particularly in terms of my behaviours surrounding the
cutting and eating of food, because I certainly wouldn’t have been able to eat
the plate of food on my lap, if I hadn’t have knocked all those habits on the
head with the help of the staff at hospital. The whole night was a success, and
I was so happy to be surrounded by familiar faces, enjoying games and laughter,
it made all the past few months of pain and struggles so worthwhile. However,
the big day was just around the corner.
Christmas Day was quite an emotional day
for me. As I have previously mentioned, my perspective on life has altered
after what I have been through this year, and so to be spending a day with the
most important people to me was so special. It petrifies me to think of what
the scenario would have been if I hadn’t have gone into hospital at that
crucial time, and that was in the forefront of my mind for the entire day as I
was faced with several challenges. As I put on my novelty Christmas jumper I
was reminded that this time of year should not be associated with fear or
anxiety, but fun and merriment. The family started to arrive and I was greeted
with the most wonderful news; my auntie and her partner had gotten engaged!
They looked so happy together, and I started to think about my own future; how
much I want to be able to enjoy and feel comfortable in somebody else’s
company, without the feelings of negativity about my body. This
motivation spurred me on to tackle the wonderful Christmas dinner that Dad had
slaved away preparing all day. I chose options that I would have ordinarily
refrained from, and used my dietetic knowledge that I have gained throughout my
time in treatment to make sure I was getting every element of nutrition I
needed, without fretting about the need to weigh or measure. I did get mum and
dad to check my plate for reassurance that I had got everything I needed, but
also to eliminate the worry that I had got too much; I still need this
encouragement, which I am not embarrassed about in the slightest, it is my
recovery journey. Throughout the day we played games including pie face, which
was hilarious. I think you can tell how
far you are in your recovery when one moment you cannot even look at cream, and
the next you are happy to risk the possibility of it being splattered across
your face! Yes, it did happen to me and yes, I did have a little taste! I
finally felt like I was myself again, the actual me, and those moments in
recovery are absolutely invaluable. I enjoyed a few of the chocolates from the
celebration box as we competed in a quiz, as well as eating when nobody else
was at the end of the evening to make sure I was sticking to my weight
restoration plan.
I have to add that I am so incredibly
fortunate to have an amazing family that doesn’t question anything that I have
to do, or bat an eyelid if I am sat eating a bowl of cereal to finish up my
pint of milk. I think this has a lot to do with how open I have been about my
struggles and necessities for my weight restoration and recovery. It makes my
life so much easier, and probably theirs too, because they aren’t seeking
answers from my parents or worried about what they say in front of me. I learnt
so much from this Christmas that I am going to continue to use in my
progressive recovery. I want to thank everybody that I saw over this festive
period for being supportive, non-judgmental and accepting of my illness.
Although it wasn’t without its struggles, the entire time was such a pleasure
and a Christmas I will never forget.
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