The most common social event, yet
unfortunately, the most common trigger of overwhelming anxiety. Vast menus
containing dishes with unknown ingredients, and being served in unknown portion
sizes; the whole process is full of daunting notions.
In my progressive decline, the thought of
going for a meal out would cause an extreme increase in damaging behaviours,
both before and during the event. I would try desperately hard to avoid this
situation, but if I were obliged to attend, I would only go to one of three
restaurants; where I would pick one specific meal. These eateries were chosen
after completing an extensive amount of research into an exact dish; the
preparation of the food, the nutritional information and the portion size. Once
I had selected a meal at one of these establishments, I would repeatedly choose
it, to the point where I did not even open the menu upon arrival.
As previously described, my eating disorder
inspired the creation of meticulously calculated lists of foods that I could
and could not eat. As more ‘food rules’ developed, so did the extreme lengths
that I would go to when planning meals. These lists developed into exact meal
plans. For example, if I knew what we were having for dinner, I would already
have a list of what foods I could eat throughout the day; making sure that all
rules were adhered to. You can now see why a meal out would cause such
distress, as I had no rules, lists or plans that would accompany a
spontaneously chosen meal.
Throughout my time in treatment, I stressed
how much I wanted these behaviours to change, as I knew that eating out was
going to be a huge element of me rebuilding my social life. I suppose this
started almost immediately, as I was faced with a meal plan devised by the
hospital that had no place on any of the lists that I had archived mentally.
Every Monday, I was required to face a menu and choose 8 elements that I would
have to eat throughout the day, for the next 7 days. I cannot begin to describe
the overwhelming emotions that I experienced for the first few weeks during
this process; anxiety, confusion, distress, guilt, regrets; the list goes on.
This is one aspect of my hospital admission that took a long time for me to
challenge. During the first few weeks, I started to develop these harmful
lists; picking the same foods repeatedly in relation to what I felt were the
‘right’ foods. With time, I began to acknowledge that the majority of the
options I was choosing, I did not like at all. This encouraged me to start
utilising the support I had in the unit and select foods that I wanted to
challenge, in order to dispel the fear I had around them. Consequently, this
would allow me to build up the courage to try new foods once I had been
discharged; particularly when attending a meal out.
As with all aspects of recovery, I am aware
that even after taking these steps at hospital, and continuing to pursue them
at home with support from family and friends; eradicating the researching
behaviours and feeling comfortable in new settings, is going to take a long
time. Every week I try to enjoy a meal out, or even just a snack out; varying
the individuals that I partake in this activity with. Doing this without the
comfort of having my parents there has been a difficult phase that I have had
to endure, as I became very attached to them at my weakest point. However, I am
proud to say that I now have the ability to ENJOY a meal out; and this is
through learning to acknowledge, discuss and deal with the distressing feelings
before, during and afterwards. I do need constant reassurance, and I am not
ashamed to say that this mainly comes from a supportive text from my mum. I
normally detail my anxieties around my meal choice and the other elements that
I know I have to eat throughout the rest of the day, and she always knows what
to say to calm me down. In the future, I know that I will be able reassure
myself, and this will be another aspect of attachment that I can progressively
let go of.
I look forward to a point in my recovery
where I can be excited about visiting new eateries, without prior research,
without anxieties and without being influenced by the nutritional information
that is now being displayed everywhere!
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