One Month of Willpower at a Time...

January is recognised as the month to recreate and rejuvenate. This is evident in all of us as we recite our New Years Resolutions, vowing to make personal changes in an attempt to improve our wellbeing. For most, these include the new possession of a gym membership, the cutting out of a nutritional food group or a goal amount of weight to lose. Except what about if you are trying to recover from an eating disorder? What resolutions do you make for yourself, whilst still trying to achieve the same improvement of your wellbeing along with everybody else? For me, I promised myself that I would continue with my weight restoration meal plan, keep pushing myself to embrace social outings and consistently incorporate everything that I have learnt during recovery into my everyday life. I can imagine that most people are now thinking, “Where is the challenge in that? You have already been doing that for the past six months?” But I would now like everybody to think about everything that is displayed in magazines, on television and all over the media in an attempt to assist the majority of the population in their body manipulation goals.

Before treatment, I didn’t realise just how vulnerable I had been in succumbing to everything that is plastered in the media regarding advice on how to alter your body. It was only through exploration into the triggers that developed my illness that I understood just how weak I was in resisting these messages of guidance. As Christmas drew to a close, the prospect of being exposed to these potential triggers throughout January was daunting. As with most other challenges that I have faced during recovery, I vowed to keep my head down and remind myself of the scientific understanding I have gained about what I need to nurture my own body. However, these weren’t just challenges that could be tackled physically through picking up a knife and fork, these were potential triggers; a prospective facilitator to a relapse or breakdown of the mental structure that I had tirelessly worked on building up.

There were several instances throughout this month where I had to challenge just how susceptible I was in absorbing the information that I was exposed to through the media. Prior to my treatment, I would not consciously recognise just what I was reading, watching or listening to; it would just somehow worm its way into my head, without seeking it out or realising that it was influencing my day to day life. However, I have found that after my treatment I am so much more aware of just how much is in the media regarding weight loss. I think that I notice it more because I am trying so desperately hard not to be consumed back into all of the false messages or beliefs that I am continuing to challenge. I honestly do not think that most individuals would recognise the sheer amount of communications there are out there, purposefully set out to make people alter their lifestyles in order to change their body. Nobody will be able to comprehend just how hard it is to resist these messages whilst you are recovering from an eating disorder. It is not just about trying to ignore them, but I am constantly trying to remind myself just how much I have been through in the past from being so drawn into what they advise.

It is not about avoidance. There is no possible way that you could dodge everything in the media. It is about acceptance. You have to accept that this information is a huge part of our lives, whether it is in conversation, in the newspaper or on social media. We need food and exercise to maintain our wellbeing, and that is why I am striving to build a healthy relationship with them. There have been numerous times where I have heard passing comments about food; what to eat, what not to eat, new diet crazes or fad products. At first I found these a challenge to listen to, but then I come home, read a food diary that I completed before I went into hospital, and am reminded of the scenario that adhering to these silly ideas can create.

I have not stopped watching TV, reading my favourite fashion magazines or browsing on social media because of all of these potential triggers. Why would I want to have this illness restrict me in even more aspects of my life that I enjoy? Instead, I am using it as a way of building up my strength and tolerance. I know that there are going to be times when I doubt what I have been taught in treatment when a new piece of ‘evidence’ is printed in the health column of a publication. I am only human, and journalists know that the majority of people want to read these new findings, otherwise why would they publish them? However this time, the difference will be that I do not let these manipulate and influence my every day life. I am still challenging food rules that have been implemented daily for that past few years, and let me tell you, I do not want any more! I want to abolish these completely and create a healthy, clear and spontaneous frame of mind. I know just how easily these crept into my life, and I just wish they would rid themselves just as quickly. 

One Positive Outcome at a Time...

I was going to start this post by saying “I know this sounds crazy”, or “you are going to think I am stupid”, but do you know what, I really could not care less what people think. Due to my personal experiences of living with this illness, and the difficulties I had with trying to find help, I have decided that I want to pursue a career in the medical and care profession. To help me along this path, it became apparent that I would have to consider going back to university in order to enhance my knowledge in the specific field that I want to enter. I spent a lot of time thinking about this, particularly considering how my past experience in this academic venture was not a successful one, I had to take careful consideration into whether I wanted to do it again.

I thought back to how I was mentally before I started university the first time, and speaking to my parents, it was highlighted that I really wasn’t well at all, but we just wasn’t aware of it. I was already riding the slippery slope down into poor health, and at that point, there was nothing that could be done to stop me. I have looked into the frame of mind I was in at that point in time, and compared it to where I am now. I have definitive goals, I have a focus and most importantly I have a passion. This time I am ready. I know what went wrong, I know how to cope and I know how to create a balance in my life. My therapy will continue right up until I go, and I will ask for support when I need it. I am not going to let this illness grasp on to another inch of my life as I push myself to progress forward and help change the lives of others that are affected. In order to do this, I applied to study a BSc Nutrition and Public Health at Sheffield Hallam University. I attended the Open Day on Sunday and I spent the whole time grinning from ear to ear. The course sounds fascinating, and I was completely engrossed in every aspect that I was shown. I realised that this course isn’t just going to help me into an exciting and varied career; it is also going to give me so much knowledge about a topic that has been so distorted in my mind from my past- the link between food and health. As soon as we got home I sent off my application and I have come home this evening to see that I have got an unconditional offer! I couldn’t be happier, and even though I know that everybody will be thinking I have just took the biggest risk of my life, well my answer to that is, you don’t know if you don’t try. I am certain that I would have spent the rest of my life thinking about everything that I could have done if I hadn’t have pushed myself to take this step forward; and I don’t want to live my life like that.

I am struggling to find the words to describe exactly how I am feeling at moment. The one at the forefront of my mind is excitement, but this is tinged with a complex mix of apprehension, uncertainty and disbelief. The fear of going back to university and having a repeat episode of before is playing on my mind, but I have to consider just how much of a better place I am in now. I think in all honesty, whilst I have been waiting for a response from the university, I have been more worried how other people will view the decision I have made; but not now. Everybody close to me knows how much I want to help others, and whether that be an individual with an eating disorder, or providing advice to those in deprived countries; who knows which path I may be diverted down whilst studying, and that excites me. The main thing is that I will be doing something that I want to do, not what I think I should be doing in order to exceed everybody’s expectations. I know how much of a challenge this is going to be for me, and I know that it may not be a smooth ride, but if it isn’t, I will have the strength to seek advice and view the bigger picture as to where this course will take me in the future.

'Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.'

One Check Up at a Time...

So today I heard the words I have been longing to hear for the past 7 months…I am healthy! Officially physically healthy! I have broken through into that healthy BMI bracket, and let me tell you; after all of the hard work, anxiety and frustration I have gone through, that piece of news made it so worthwhile.

I never knew how I was going to react to this information; whether I would think that I could suddenly drop every aspect of my meal plan or start to slyly avoid certain food groups again. However, I literally could not think of anything worse than undoing all of the hard work and knowledge I have gained; plus I am enjoying my food so much more! It was by pure coincidence that mum and I had planned a food shop just after my doctor’s appointment, and this allowed me to challenge these thoughts and notions that I was fearful of surfacing. It turns out they didn’t! Yes, I had to tackle the usual label checking habits that still haunt me, but I continued to pick everything I would have done ordinarily in accordance to my meal plan. I think it helped that again I discussed with my mum the difficulties I was worried about facing, prior to walking into the shop, and she helped me when needed.

I have to add that the whole experience of the doctor’s has changed so much for me. Before my hospital admission, I was solely focused on what the numbers were going to be on the scales. I was completely oblivious to what the doctor was telling me about the significant depletion in the various vitamins and minerals in my blood from my test results. In fact, I wasn’t listening to anything that he was saying about the critical state my bones, immune system, heart, brain and all of my organs were in. All I was interested in was them numbers. Yet this time, it somehow felt different. Of course the numbers were important, but only because I want to be healthy; and to even begin to improve my mental health, the first hurdle I needed to overcome was the correction of my physical health. I was elated, but even more so to view my latest blood test results and see that every category was green! This evening, it wasn’t about how healthy I look on the outside, it was about me on the inside. I am repaired. I am functional. I am capable! These feelings of interest about the aspects of my body you cannot see has really surprised me, and consequently reaffirmed just how much damage this illness did to me internally. I neglected myself in so many ways.

I wanted to finish this post with a quote that I think is very apt for what I have realised today:

‘Whenever you feel sad, just remember that there are billions of cells in your body and all they care about is you.’

One Working Day at a Time...

Waking up at 6:15am, the nerves and apprehension kicked in. Not only was this the first day that would challenge all of the rigid eating timings that my days had become so structured around, it was also the time that I would step back in an environment where I was previously deteriorating day by day. It was the first day of my phased return to work.

I had already discussed and established the need for flexible eating whilst at work with the support workers at Evolve, so in my mind I knew that this would just be another step towards normalised eating. I also prepared a meal plan earlier in the week and made everything that I would be consuming the night before, so I was organised and relaxed. Planning is something that I feel is crucially important during recovery. Not only does it take out the element of overthinking and panicking if things are not available for you to eat, but it also removes the decision process when you have other things to think about.

As I consumed my breakfast, I reminded myself that if I started to feel hungry before the ‘normal’ snack time of 10:30am, then that is absolutely fine! I need to start listening to my body, and recognising when I am hungry. I am aware that on my current weight restoration plan, hunger is something that I am still not really experiencing, but I expected that with an increased level of activity at work, this could be something I encounter. With limited thoughts about food in my mind, I started to worry about other aspects of my working day. ‘Would I be able to remember everything?’ ‘Will everyone get annoyed if I ask questions?’ ‘What about if I make a mistake?’ Ordinarily this would have caused an increased level of anxiety and I would have been extremely reluctant to get in the car and drive to work. However, throughout my entire recovery treatment I have learnt that if you always turn away from a challenge or task, then it only feeds into the anorexic thoughts of failure and low self esteem, and there was no way that I was going to succumb to that! Instead, I rationalised the fact that everybody at the school knows that I had been in hospital for intensive treatment and not been at work for 6 months. The likelihood of my colleagues expecting me to resume my everyday tasks, without asking any questions and without making an error was extremely small. I also reminded myself of how incredibly supportive and patient they were whilst I was struggling before my hospital admission and consistently throughout my time off work.

As soon as I walked through the door, I was hit with a complete mix of emotions. Excitement, happiness and joy to see all of my colleagues and hear some lovely comments that confirmed just how much progress I had made. On the other hand, I experienced nerves, frustration and sadness. Seeing the desk that I used to sit at and munch on two dry cream crackers, which I convinced myself classified as a snack. Seeing the bins where I used to throw away the majority of my food, slyly hiding it under other wrappers that were already in there. The memories all just came flooding back. However, as I see everybody smiling and complimenting me on how well I look, I didn’t sense these memories as a trigger to reignite the past; I acknowledged them and congratulated myself at just how far I have come.

9:45am arrived and I started to sense hunger, so I pulled out the 3 chocolate digestives that I had in my bag. I wasn’t embarrassed or ashamed at recognising my hunger; in fact it prompted others to reach into the biscuit tin in the cupboard without a care in the world. It all just seemed so normal. No thoughts of regret, doubt or negativity, instead I was focused on having snack and then tackling the next job on my to do list. The experience was the same again at 12:00pm when a colleague and I went to the staff room for lunch. As she tucked into her one course of food, without hesitation I started to dig into the first of my two courses. I have kept in regular contact with my colleagues throughout my time in treatment, and I have been overwhelmed with their support and acceptance of my situation. Amongst the emails, I also enjoyed a few hospital visits from them, which was lovely, and way beyond what I would have expected from an employer. My willingness to talk about my situation helped me so much throughout my first day at work, as I wanted people to be able to ask me questions and for me to explain everything. I am very honest about my experiences and I feel that this made for a more pleasant environment, as nobody was afraid to mention about food or anything eating disorder related, which is how I wanted it to be; normal!

Throughout the day it became increasingly apparent how much I was able to focus on my job tasks rather than food, watching the clock or doing everything I could to stay on my feet as apposed to sitting at my desk. The other women in the office kept reiterating that the jobs I was being given DID NOT have to be completed by the end of the day, as this was something I would always stress about and would cause a lot of anxiety due to my perfectionist traits. So I remained relaxed and concentrated on just doing one task at a time to restate my previously learnt understanding.

I have to point out that I am aware this was only one day of many that I will be spending at work in the future, and I am aware that every day may not always go as swimmingly as this one has. I am mostly realistic in the expectations I set for myself, as I realise that although it is important to maintain optimism and motivation, recovery is not a smooth journey.

One Holiday at a Time...

Imagine that you have had a year that involves being diagnosed with an eating disorder, 6 months trying to find help, 4 months in hospital and several weeks at a day patient clinic. What do you do to continue with your very slow reintroduction into life in the early stages of recovery…you go to Norway on a skiing holiday two days after Christmas of course!

I hope that my sarcastic tone came across in that first paragraph because this holiday, although a tremendous challenge, was the best thing about my year. Of course it was kind of frowned upon by many of the professionals that I was seeing at the time, in terms of it being a skiing holiday, and the obvious understanding of me challenging eating out at almost every meal. However, I thought that I was ready, as I had been doing a lot of preparation beforehand to make sure that I wasn’t completely thrown by everything I was phased with.  Being able to spend time with my family, doing a sport I love, in a country I have never been to before, this was one of the things that I had been working so desperately hard for, and I was so determined not to let anything spoil it. However, this strong-minded attitude has caused a real mix of emotions throughout my entire recovery, and this holiday was no exception. You will notice throughout all of my posts so far, there is a real emphasis on the frustration I feel almost every day, and this is because of pressure. I put so much pressure on myself to make sure that everything is perfect, and it is not. It won’t be perfect for a very long time, and in fact even when I am fully recovered, it will still never be perfect; perfection doesn’t exist! So as I write this post, I am continually reminding myself that everything that happened on this holiday is OK, it is all part of the journey.

Planning. I cannot mention enough about planning. I discussed with mum and dad essential foods that we needed to take with us; Weetabix, belvitas, eat natural bars, flapjacks etc. This eliminated my worries regarding two key parts of my meal plan, and as trivial as it sounds, this had a huge impact on reducing the negative thoughts throughout the entire week. Although I had this aspect planned, there were however things that I couldn’t control, such as time. This was the primary obstacle that I came across, and it consequently acted as catalyst for anxiety and panic over the first two days.

We arrived at the hotel at 7:30pm. I had not yet had my evening meal and being aware of the need for supper as well, I started to become agitated about the quantity of food I needed to eat before I even considered going to bed! However, this evening meal was delayed even longer because of the need to collect our boots and skis. When we were settled in our room it was 8:30pm, and then it was decision time. I heard the words that I absolutely detest “what do you fancy?” If only it was that easy to formulate a conclusive answer. As a family we agreed on pizza, and surprisingly I was comfortable with this. To be honest, at this point I was genuinely hungry! I have found that the negative thoughts quieten if I am hungry, and also because I was aware of the calorie intake I needed, I found that this would be the best solution to the dinner/supper issue. After being informed by the dietician that I would need to boost my intake even more due to increased activity levels, I also had a pudding. I didn’t want to undo all of the hard work I had done over the past 5 months in just one week. On the other hand, I don’t think anything could have prepared me for the next obstacle.

Again, I would like you to imagine that 6 months ago it took me about 3 hours to go around an English supermarket to choose food for just one meal- my pack up at work. So think about how I felt walking around a Norwegian supermarket, trying to gather food for our self-catering apartment to eat for breakfast and tea. I paced up and down the aisles trying to decipher what was what. Even simple things like milk was difficult to understand in terms of what was full fat or semi-skimmed. Yoghurts were another issue, and these are something that I still struggle with in England, so my anxiety was understandably overwhelming when it came to making a decision. Of course, the only thing that was translatable was the nutritional information labels; the one thing that I have tried so desperately hard throughout my recovery to not take any notice of. Instead, I tried to remember what I had learnt at Evolve, and looked at price, expiry dates and the image to distinguish the flavour; this wasn’t easy. I found it easier once dad had picked a yoghurt, as I then followed his lead and picked one of the same brand. Again, it sounds childish, but I still struggle to make decisions for myself, however I know that this is something I will become more confident in doing with time. In terms of dessert, I picked something that I felt comfortable with, Ben and Jerrys. This felt like a dream, to be able to walk over to the freezer section and pull something out that was recognisable! After the whole experience it came as no surprise to my family that I was frustrated. I was sure that I was well on my way to mastering food shopping, but this proved otherwise. It was only afterwards when I was talking to mum and dad about it, that I realised that it wasn’t just a challenge for me. They reassured me that it wasn’t exactly easy for them to choose products when they don’t know a word of Norwegian either. It’s this communication about my issues that is repeatedly helping me with my thoughts and feelings, and it is something we did together throughout the entire holiday, making the majority of the time an absolute joy.

Waking up in a morning to the sight of snow-covered mountains, it confirmed in my mind that everything I had gone through in the past few months was so worth it. Enjoying breakfast with the family at the table, we discussed our skiing routes for the day. Unfortunately, the amount of runs open was limited, however, this did mean that I pushed myself to go on some of the higher difficulty ones! I felt pure elation when I realised just how much my body was capable of doing again; my strength, stamina and energy levels had improved dramatically. Considering 5 months ago I was being pushed around hospital in a wheelchair, to now be skiing in Norway was in my eyes, a miracle. This recognisation of the improvements in my health and wellbeing spurred me on to try hot chocolates for snacks, test out my portioning skills at a buffet restaurant I felt comfortable at, and continue to challenge these pesky food rules I have logged in my mind. It wasn’t easy at all, but to finish off a day eating a home cooked meal as a family in our room, followed by some games, it seemed to cloud over everything I had dealt with during the day.

I could go into so much detail about every individual challenge I faced, but I don’t want it to seem like the holiday was a disaster, because it wasn’t at all! As I have mentioned before, I put so much pressure on myself, and consequently I always focus on the negatives of everything. I always expect myself to be that next step forward and if I am faced with a difficulty, I instantly put myself down for it. But this time I am not. I overcame a lot during the Christmas period and this holiday, and I am proud of myself for that. Every journey has its own pace, and if I am honest, I think I am going full steam ahead with mine, but it’s this fight and determination that I don’t want to give up. It has gotten me so far already, but I know I need to look at my position in my recovery realistically. I agree that in some places I need to slow down, but the thought of losing this drive and relapsing strikes fear through every part of my body.