With my family dispersed all over the
country, seeing close relatives is a rare, yet hugely special occasion.
Recently, I have had the pleasure of making the journey down south to see two
sides of the family for two separate events. Now when I say that seeing my
family is a special occasion, I am thrilled to say that both of these instances
were made all the more joyous, as they were for two very beautiful weddings.
Being invited to witness the marriage of
two exceptionally happy couples was a wonderful experience and something I am
incredibly thankful to have been asked to attend. It has been a long time since
I have spent a weekend away and it be filled with nothing other than happiness,
laughter and love- then two happened within the space of two weeks! Yes, there
was the usual challenges that cropped up, but I am recognising now that I have
the strength to push them to the back of my mind and enjoy the moment. This was
made all the more easier as I was greeted with some very kind comments about my
appearance, my personality and my presence. Hearing positive remarks about
myself is something that I do find difficult to absorb, but with my recent
realisation as to where I was both mentally and physically this time last year,
I allowed myself to accept the compliments as apposed to fighting them off.
The anticipation of the first wedding was a
little overwhelming for me at first. Of course I was excited about the day’s
events, however, there was lots of niggling thoughts that I found very
difficult to ignore. Unsure of the timings, food situation and the setting, I
decided, along with my family, that it would be best to be very prepared for
the occasion. To make me feel as comfortable as possible, we did take with us
an array of snacks and even a sandwich, just to make sure that I was well
nourished throughout the day. I was initially very concerned about what people
would think about me bringing my own food, but deep down I knew that it was the
only way to make certain that I was going to sustain my energy levels
throughout the day. Unsurprisingly, the anxiety built up in anticipation was
far more significant than the anxiety throughout the duration of the day- as I
am coming to realise is always the case! However, with this being the first
wedding I had attended in a long time, let alone since I have been ill, I was
not prepared to take any chances. As everyone queued up for the hog roast, I
collected my sandwich from the cooler bag and placed it on my plate to eat with
the other guests. I do not eat pork anyway, so the hog roast would not have
even been an option, but as I made my way to the salad bar, I did see a variety
of vegetarian options that I would have been more than happy to try. I think
that after attending this event, it is important for me to realise that people
really do not care. I sat and ate my sandwich alongside everyone else and not
once did anybody comment, ask questions or make me feel uncomfortable. Granted
it may have been because everybody knows about my condition, but in all
honesty, I really do not believe that people are bothered about what everybody
else is doing. When you are sat in a beautifully decorated teepee, with
wonderful music and family to talk to, even I can say that the food I was
ingesting became a seemingly insignificant factor.
As day rolled into night, I remember
becoming incredibly relaxed. I do not know if it was because I felt as though
the main challenges were over and that I could enjoy the rest of the evening,
but I recall experiencing very limited negative thoughts. In fact, they were so
limited that I did something that at any other time would have probably had a
substantial impact on my mood and behaviours- I accepted a piece of the wedding
cake. Lovingly made by my cousin, this beautiful cake had sat in prime position
at the entrance of the teepee and as it was cut, I was excited to try a piece.
It was delicious and although I experienced some guilt, as soon as the band
started and the music captured my thoughts, the negativity just seemed to drift
away. Gazing at the dance floor and watching everybody enjoying dancing away,
an element of the ‘carefree Jess’ stepped in and I made my way over to join
them. I had a truly wonderful day and am so grateful to have been asked to
attend such a special day. I learned so much from the event, not only with
regards to dealing with my problems, but more so that there is nothing better
in life than experiencing love and happiness.
As the weekend of the second wedding
approached, I felt surprisingly relaxed. After a very positive psychologist
appointment earlier in the week, I realised that I had so much more to look
forward to in life than dwelling on what should be a lovely weekend. The
problem is, my frame of mind means that I always see the negatives that could
potentially occur. I constantly think about the worst-case scenarios, even if I
know that there is nothing I can do to ‘solve’ them. Again, this wedding was
the perfect opportunity to reconnect with family, possibly meeting some relatives
that I have never seen before, which although I was incredibly excited about, I
was worried about how I looked and how I would behave. I knew that there were
going to be a few occasions where, if I were just with my close family, I would
typically deal with the situation by shutting down and completely avoiding
conversation; becoming totally absorbed in my thoughts. However, as usual, the
anxiety built up through the mental preparation for the potential of some
‘horrendous’ scenarios had no presence during the entire event.
Boarding the beautiful vintage double
decker bus to make our way to the church, I was incredibly excited to by
immersed in another magical wedding. Unaware of how long the ceremony was going
to be and having had breakfast a few hours before, I recognised that this
journey would be the perfect opportunity to eat a snack. I glanced around the
bus, quickly realising that nobody else was consuming any food and the fact
that I had even considered a snack did encourage feelings of guilt and greed to
ricochet through my mind. After a lengthy debate within my own head, fighting
between the thoughts of why I need the nutrients and ‘why I do not need the
calories’, I asked mum for the snack bar that was in her clutch bag. As per
usual, once the battle was over, I was absolutely fine whilst consuming the
snack- even engaging in conversation. I knew I needed it, I could feel my body
beckoning for the sugar as my hands started to shake.
A particular moment that I realised this
may become an issue was during the reception when the three course meal was
being served. The anticipation of the social situation, being around people
that may not know my problems, being presented with a plate that contained food
that I had not known about prior to it being served- in my head it became the foundation
for an exhausting battle. However, I found that this was not the case. At this
point, I was genuinely hungry and I think that had a huge impact on how I
confronted the dish in front of me. Instead of having time to debate about what
to choose, what is the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ meal to pick, analysing what
everybody else was eating; the decision was made for me. I am not saying it
would have been what I would have necessarily picked, but I ate it because my
body needed nourishing. No nasty behaviours crept in- I still engaged in
conversation, I still made eye contact and if I am honest, I was looking around
for the next course! The main was a struggle, as it was meat that I do not
like, but as I cannot stress enough, I already had a back up plan prepared.
When the fantastic speeches were over and the room was cleared for the band to
set up, I headed back to the room for a replacement meal- cereal and milk.
Maybe not the nutritious and wholesome substitution, although, it was something
I was comfortable with and in terms of calories, it was enough to fulfill its
purpose. As we headed back down to the party, I felt refueled, calm and, as
much as I believe the word doesn’t exist, normal. With my body nourished, my
mind became clear of all eating disorder related thoughts, which had a hugely
positive impact on me socially. I spent the evening chatting away to family
members and learning about my past- it really was a special night.
Attending these beautiful events has truly
made me think about my personal goals for happiness. Seeing two couples
wonderfully content in each other’s company was inspiring. Saying their vows,
it was as if they were encompassed in their own bubble, seemingly oblivious of
the witnesses present in the room. It was a magical spectacle- free of
judgment, uncertainty or fear. They have found their perfect match- somebody
that makes them feel special and worthy, somebody to support them and encourage
their dreams, somebody to make and share beautiful memories with. I can only
hope that one day I may find somebody that will be the perfect match for me.
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