My eating disorder is primarily driven by
the need for control. As my illness progressed, this became an absolute
compulsion in all situations. Food products, meal preparation and timings were
gradually manipulated, to ensure that I had control over all aspects of
scenarios surrounding food. I have no idea where this stemmed from, but I
presume it has a definitive link to my perfectionist traits, as well as feeling
as though I had no control over other situations, such as my problems at
university.
Initially, the control over products, meals
and timings went seemingly unnoticed by my family and friends, as I had always
taken an interest in cooking. However, I quickly began to divert from the meals
that they were having and preparing my own. Family meals such as spaghetti
bolognese and fishcakes were swiftly replaced by very plain meals, usually
consisting of a protein source and vegetables. The idea of sauces and
manufactured products, with potentially hidden ‘badness’ incorporated into
them, absolutely petrified me. Worried that I was going to raise suspicions
about my individual meal preparation, I started cooking ‘healthy’ meals for the
whole family- without adding certain elements to my own plate. With time, I
started to weigh everything that I was eating as well. Weighing all products
when they were dry and again when they were cooked- just to make sure it was
‘exactly’ what was stated on the nutritional information label on the
packaging. The measuring was incredibly precise- not a gram over. This was all
feeding into my desire for control, and when I did not, this caused more
distress, manifesting itself as very bizarre behaviours.
When I did eat a meal that was prepared by
another person, whether that was a family member, a friend or at an eatery, my
entire demeanor changed. I became a shell- controlled entirely by my Anorexia.
Staring at the plate, I would completely zone out from my surroundings. I was
unable to communicate- fundamentally focused on how I was going to eat what had
been presented in front of me.
With no idea of the substances that have
been used to prepare the meal, but knowing that I have to eat it, my desire for
control revealed itself in the way that I ate it. Only now looking back I can
see how extreme they must have looked, but at the time it felt completely
normal and justified. I do not want to go into too much detail, as I do not
want this to have a negative impact on sufferers that may be reading this.
However, I do want to educate others about the severe behaviours that an eating
disorder can display.
Initially I would separate everything on
the plate, making sure that no foods touched each other. Particularly with
sauces, this was very difficult, but I tried my absolute hardest to make sure
that the liquid did not ‘contaminate’ another aspect of the meal. Once this
part of the preparation was carried out, I would then begin to chop up each
element. Again, as my illness became more severe I began to develop an
obsession with numbers, and this meant that certain food items had to be cut
into a certain amount of pieces before I would consider eating them. Squares-
everything had to be cut into rows or squares, for example a slice of toast or
even a jacket potato. These behaviours were heightened in hospital, as I had no
knowledge about what I was eating, and in the beginning stages, I had no
involvement in portion sizes. This was incredibly distressing for me, and more
ritualistic actions surfaced, which even to this day I am struggling to shake
off.
When I returned home from hospital we had
to buy new cutlery and crockery. This was because I had become obsessed with a
specific bowl, plate, knife, fork and spoon. My parents and I knew that the
only way to overcome this would be to discard them and purchase a new set. I
know that lots of people have favourite items that they like to eat with, but I
was so fixated on them that my mood swings would become extremely turbulent if
my routine was in anyway disrupted.
With the new utensils introduced and the
weighing scales tucked away, I found it very difficult to maintain the control
that my eating disorder desired. This caused havoc with the negative thoughts
and feelings in my head, and my emotions became extremely varied. I found it
very difficult to trust that what I was doing was ‘correct’. Not having a
professional there to prompt me as to what was right or wrong, I felt an
enormous amount of guilt, as the responsibility about what I was eating was
ultimately mine again. There was also the agonising need to not display my emotions,
or take them out on my family members, as I was incredibly upset about what I
had already put them through, prior to my hospital admission. However, this helped me a lot during my transition from hospital, to Evolve, to home. Instead
of channeling my frustration through behaviours I had developed whilst eating a
meal, I managed to control my anorexia by eating the meal ‘normally’, including
engaging in conversation, and then discussing my anxieties afterwards. It was
this method of communication that I had not been able to carry out before, and
being able to pinpoint that, with the support of my family, has helped me a lot
during my recovery. I also want to stress that at this point I am also a lot
healthier than what I was prior to my time in hospital. Consequently, I am able
to rationalise situations a lot better, as my brain is not deprived of any
vital substances that it needs to function properly. I noticed this
dramatically when I started to reintroduce ‘old’ foods back into my diet at
home, and I was able to talk myself through the reasons why I needed each
aspect of the meal. This is a complete contrast to the way I would have
approached it before- viewing it as a project that I had no choice but to
finish.
Writing about the extent to which my eating
disorder pushed me in order to gain control has been difficult to reflect on.
Thinking back to the lifeless person my anorexia led me to become upsets me. I
think of all of the valuable family time I have missed out on, purely because I
could only eat a meal if I completely absorbed myself into my destructive
behaviours. It has proven to me just how important nutrition is when making
people think rationally about situations. It is this deprivation that I believe
heightened my desires for control. Building on the perfectionism traits and
inability to communicate problems, this was the only way I felt I could have stability
in my life.
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