Well, who would have thought I would be
saying this a couple of years ago, but I have just finished my first year at
Sheffield Hallam University; a year full of amazing memories, beautiful friends
and a wealth of knowledge to develop and grow my future ambitions. If you
follow my social media accounts, you may have noticed that I have made the most
of every single opportunity that has come my way, and sought out many more! I
do not think I have actually taken the time to think about everything I have
participated in, worked on or helped with this year, until recent weeks and the
events that I have attended. There is no denying that I have been busy, but I
can honestly say that I have loved every single minute of it!
In the majority of my posts, I often
emphasise my reluctance to look back on my previous attempt at university
education. However, I think that during recovery from any mental illness, as
important as it is to remain positive about the current moment and optimistic
for the future, if possible, it is also important to reflect on how far you
have come. I know for some, this can be a horrendously frightening, and
potentially triggering act, in which case I would not advise doing so, but for
myself, doing this at key milestones strengthens my recovery.
I always like to keep my writing positive,
but I often think of some of the people that may be reading this, and hope that
they may be able to relate to some of the difficult moments I have dealt with
and see how life can change for the better if you can find the strength to
reach out and ask for the help that you need.
I want to take you back to September 2014-
the start of what I can only describe as one of the most distressing times of
my life. I found myself stood in a room at Storthes Hall in Huddersfield trying
to convince myself that the decision I had made to attend university was the
right choice. It soon became apparent that it was not. The negative thoughts
started, the unhealthy coping strategies developed and the brave face was
quickly adopted. I am not sure if you know this, but trying to put on a
performance and suppress exactly how you feel is absolutely exhausting. I
didn’t exactly make it any easier by allowing Anorexia Nervosa to convince me
that restricting my food intake, over-exercising and spending every moment
analysing, scrutinising and fretting about food was the best way to regain
control over the situation. Again, it soon became apparent that it was not.
I snapped. I could not take it any more. I
literally felt as though my head was exploding. Anorexia had taken over my life
and I had no idea how to make it stop. Not only did I feel trapped physically, but
I also could not escape the endless mental chaos. That was when the panic
attacks started. I cried endlessly, struggling to breathe, unable to talk and
with no knowledge of how to stop. I confided in a couple of my flat mates at
the time, but I was so embarrassed and so unaware of what was actually going
on. I was a student, wasn’t I supposed to be having the time of my life? Why
had I not met my best friends for life? Why did I not want to go out and drink
until 4am? I felt like I was the only person that had not found myself living
this amazing, carefree and fun-filled student life; and that was hard. In fact,
it escalated the negative thoughts to a point where my health had left me with
no other choice than to leave university- ironically vowing that I would never
attend again…
Where would I have been? What would I have
been doing? What would I have been passionate about? Who knows! But I can tell
you something; my life would have been completely different to what it is now.
Making that decision last January to pursue my dreams, send off my application
and face the demons of my previous attempt at university was undeniably one of
the most daunting, yet best decisions that I have ever made.
Looking back at everything I have achieved
this year has been an extraordinary realisation that the moment I stepped foot
into Rharian Fields Specialist Eating Disorder Unit on 16th July
2015, literally transformed my life. Every blood test, every tablet, every ECG,
every meal, every therapy session, every explosion of emotion, it had all been
worth it. But during that time, who would have known that being that sick would
have ignited such a passion to prevent it from affecting anyone else. Sure, I
wish this situation had not been the way in which I discovered this desire, but
life does not always take the route we hope!
So, here I am, planning my second year at
university (if I pass this years modules!). A house signed for, exciting plans
for Sheffield Hallam SU Student Minds and ready to absorb the knowledge from
the year’s academic schedule. First year was hard, and I anticipate my time at
university to only get harder, but I am ready for the challenge. At the end of
the day, any moment I have at the fantastic establishment that is Sheffield Hallam
University is an absolute blessing. I am incredibly grateful for the
opportunity to study there and no matter what happens during the next couple of
years, I am proud to have made it this far and enthusiastic about the future
that lies ahead.
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