One Voyage of Discovery at a Time...

18 days, 11 destinations and 52 new friends- my Contiki European Whirl tour was by far the most rewarding experience of my life. I have no idea how I am going to condense every memory and accomplishment into this post, as I enjoyed every single second! Meeting new people, seeing the highlights of Europe and proving to myself just how far I have come in terms of my recovery, the smile that adorned my face during day one is still engrained right to this very moment.

After checking in with the tour manager-Adam- in London at 6am on 27^th July, I found myself waiting nervously amongst a group of fellow travellers for the coach to arrive. As the cases were loaded I embarked the vehicle and scanned the seats to decide where I would place myself. My gut instinct was to sit next to the female traveller just in front of the door; consequently, this was the best decision that I think I made throughout the entire trip! Chatting to this lovely Australian lady completely put me at ease, as I soon came to realise that I was not the only solo traveller on the trip. Crossing over to France on the ferry, I had a further opportunity to meet a few of the other group members and the nerves seemed to completely drift away. My mind was completely clear of negative thoughts- no compulsions to restrict my eating, no doubts about my capabilities, just excitement and anticipation of the adventures that lie ahead.

Following a round of speed dating on the way into Amsterdam, I quickly came to realise that not only was I part of a minority group in terms of being a non-drinker, but I was also the only British traveller! This could not have turned out any better- it enhanced my travelling experience so much more, as I learned about the Australian lifestyle as well as that of mainland Europe. They were all incredibly friendly, relaxed and made my time on the tour a league above what I could have ever expected. I genuinely think that having a good bunch of people on a group tour could literally make or break your entire trip, so I was extremely fortunate to have found myself travelling with this fantastic crowd.

Amsterdam was the first stop on our tour and after visiting here last year, I was intrigued to explore the city from a new perspective. The experience was entirely different- pacing the streets with friends that I had only known for 6 hours, finding out new places from other knowledgeable travellers and thinking about how best to plan your time in order to prepare for the next activities that were lined up. I had already decided that I was not going to waste a single opportunity that I was given on this trip, so I did all of the included and optional activities. Therefore, in Amsterdam I did a canal cruise, a bike ride around Edam, learnt how clogs and cheese are made, developed new friendships over a dinner in Volendam and something that I definitely did not expect to be doing- watching a ‘cultural’ show. Now I have heard of a few icebreaker activities in my time, but this was on a whole different level. I will leave it up to your imagination as to what the evening’s activity was, but it was definitely a good conversation starter for the next few days.

Berlin was destination number 2! As we all seated ourselves on the coach it was time to hear our ‘wake up song’ for the first time- HandClap. At first I thought there was no way I was going to be able to listen to the same song every morning for 18 days, but the uplifting impact it had on the group was brilliant. Even the biggest drinkers would somehow find the strength at 7am to clap along. It became the highlight of every morning and you needed it if you knew you had a long day of travelling ahead. In Berlin we had the option to do a 3 hour walking tour, which I thoroughly enjoyed. We saw so many of the iconic structures and learnt so much about Berlin’s history. The tour guide was fantastic and so incredibly knowledgeable that it was hard not to be interested in the facts and information she was giving. I think it is admirable how the German’s are so open about their history and willing to expose all aspects of their actions through memorials and preservations in order to learn from them.

Prague was next on the list. I wish I had have spent more time exploring the city, but as I mentioned earlier, I wanted to do all of the optional extras. I do not regret doing the canal cruise or the bunker tour, but I would have liked to see more of the beautiful architecture, cobbled streets and learnt more about their culture. I suppose that is just the nature of the tour though and now I know that Prague would be somewhere that I would like to visit again in the future. However, in contrast to that seemingly negative statement about the tour, the positive aspects are that you end up doing and seeing things that you may not have necessarily thought of taking the time to see. For example, one of the highlights of my trip was spray painting on the John Lennon Wall, and I know that this was an opportunity that was only brought about because of our fantastic trip manager-Adam.

Next stop was Munich. This city was beautiful and had an amazing atmosphere; I was so upset that we only had the chance to spend one afternoon here. As soon as we arrived it was time to head into the city centre for a bike ride with Mike’s Bike’s. Cycling through the streets with everybody was a brilliant experience and another chance to make more memories. My favourite area of Munich was the Chinesischer Turm in one of the parks. The setting was incredible and the food was unreal. I devoured a half roast chicken and a pretzel with some salad and it was amazing. It was quite expensive, but for the amount you got it was so worth it. We all ate our meals on picnic benches, the majority with a stein full of beer and if I am honest, I think this was the point when it hit me how far I had come in terms of my recovery. To be enjoying a spontaneous, huge meal, with a group of people I had known for a week, and not experience the negative force of my eating disorder- it was an incredibly rewarding feeling. As we cycled back to the starting point of our adventure I felt completely elated and could have burst with pride. A few of my roommates were aware of my mental illness, but there was nothing that I wanted to do more than share my happiness with my family. I was having the time of my life and I could not wait to tell them about it all.

Austria was by far one of the most beautiful places I have ever visited. After a short drive from Munich, we once again took to the bicycles and headed for the hills. This was most definitely the day that tested my fitness and I have to admit I struggled. The constant heat with little breeze did not work in my favour, but there was no way that I was not going to complete the bike ride and I am so glad I endured it. The views were absolutely exceptional. The scenery was so picturesque that it did not feel real. Every home was in pristine condition and there was nothing at all to spoil the landscape. I tried to capture as many photos as I could, but was continually frustrated as not one single image portrayed the beauty just as I had witnessed. Lunch was a jacket potato, coleslaw and sausages- not a meal I was entirely thrilled about. However, this was when I noticed a change in my mindset- I needed to eat to live. I had exhausted my body from the bike ride and I knew that I needed to refuel, particularly as I was about to paraglide off the edge of a cliff. That afternoon was probably the most standout moment of my entire trip. Stepping into the cable car to the top of the mountain, it had not quite registered what I was about to do. As I watched the paragliding equipment being laid out on the side of the mountain, it still had not quite registered as to what I was about to do. Only when I was buckled in and the guy yelled, “RUN!” did it suddenly dawn on me what I was about to do.  Gliding through the air, mesmorised by the magnitude of the views I was observing, the whole experience did not feel real. This time last year I was sat in a wheelchair gazing out of a window in Grimsby hospital, now I was paragliding- soaring above Austria. If that does not encourage anybody suffering with a mental illness to fight for recovery every single day, I do not know what will.

The following day we headed to the start of the whitewater rafting! Again, another activity I have never done before and I thoroughly enjoyed it. The weather was lovely which consequently made the scenery look stunning. When we reached the bottom we had to take off our wetsuits, meaning I had to strip down to my bikini. This really did not affect me at all, after coming to know everybody in the group, I knew that there was not going to be one single person that was going to be scrutinising my body or making any remarks if they saw my tattoo. I am proud of how far I have come and would have been more than happy to discuss my tattoo should it have been mentioned- I am not ashamed of my journey, it has made me the person that I am today.

After another 5 hours on the road, we arrived at the campsite in Venice. This was the day that I completely lost my voice and the ‘Contiki Cough’ started to make an appearance. I had heard of this allusive illness, but I did not realise the scale of the epidemic once it hit. Fortunately, I got off lightly in terms of it having an impact on my trip, although, I did use it as an excuse to have plenty of gelato whilst in Italy! Our first activity was a gondola ride and this was something that I really enjoyed. It was so relaxing and even though we did not have a singing gondolier, it was still a lovely experience. We then did a walking tour past all of the iconic Venetian sights such as the Bell Tower, St. Mark’s Square and the Doge’s Palace. I was in no way disappointed with any of the Italian cities that we visited, but I was definitely surprised at how busy they all were. I would definitely return to all of them but at a different time of year, but again that is the beauty of doing a tour like this, as I managed to see all of the highlights and take note of where I would like to go back. I vowed that I was not going to leave Italy without having a pizza dish, a pasta dish and some gelato- they did not disappoint and I have no regrets for indulging in these regional delicacies. We also decided to go to the top of the Bell Tower during some of our free time and the views were incredible. Unfortunately, we made it up there just as a storm approached, but ever the optimist, I managed to get some beautiful photos as the black clouds came rolling in. However, it then dawned on us that we had to run back through Venice to catch the boat back to the campsite whilst the rain absolutely saturated us.

Rome was our next destination and if I am honest, I did not quite know what to expect. I was hoping that the Colosseum would be everything that I wanted, but besides that I did not really know what Rome had to offer. As we spent time exploring the city, I was very pleasantly surprised. Every street led to an unexpected piece of architecture or a lovely square housing a beautiful statue. The scale of the buildings was extraordinary and the attention to detail was fascinating. Again it was a shame that the city was so busy, however, I can now see why everybody visits. We also had the amazing opportunity to watch the Pope read a blessing in St. Peter’s Square. People from all around the world had come to listen to the event and although the heat was exhausting, the atmosphere was surreal.

Our final Italian city was Florence, which to my disappointment, we only had the pleasure of staying for one evening. We did a walking tour in the afternoon and managed to experience just a snippet of what this beautiful city had to offer. The architecture was exceptional, the statues were remarkable and the cleanliness of the city was impressive. Unfortunately though, it seemed that as soon as we arrived we had to leave again, but all the more reason to return! That evening we attended a traditional Tuscan dinner, which although the food was not great, it was again another opportunity to socialise with the group. This was what I loved about this style of tour, was that like-minded people- people that want to travel surrounded me. It was exciting to hear of their adventures and future plans, it has given me a lot to think about in terms of where I want to visit in the future. Unsurprisingly, Australia is right at the top of the list!

From Florence we visited the stunning Swiss Alps. Due to the weather, I decided not to participate in the train ride up to the top of Jungfrau Mountain. Therefore I had the perfect chance to walk around the town and absorb the striking backdrop. With delicate waterfalls and snow topped mountains, the scenery so picturesque and a world away from the bustling Italian cities. Being from the countryside myself, I found that Austria and the Swiss Alps were a particular highlight of my tour. I loved exploring the cities, however, there is something incredibly comforting and relaxing about being surrounded by nature and greenery. After a morning of discovery, I headed to the Adventure Park to have some fun on the high ropes, wooden obstacles and zip wires threaded through the forest. As somebody that has continually suffered with a fear of heights and lack of control, I think it would be fair to say that this tour has changed me. I have done activities that I would have never done before and this high ropes course was no exception. Perched on a wooden pallet amongst the trees and latching my harness onto the wires, I was not really aware of the enormity of what I was doing in terms of challenging my fears. The activity was fantastic and was the perfect way to finish off my time in the Swiss Alps.

Paris- our final destination of the tour! After an entire day on the coach, we did a drive around of the city and saw the majority of the iconic buildings. Knowing that we had a free day coming up, I was excited to spend more time at each of the legendary hotspots. Venturing into the city centre we decided on a few of the landmarks that we wanted to explore. We started off at the Sainte Chapelle- a gothic building embellished with kaleidoscopic stained glass windows. Moving further down the street we headed into the Notre Dame- a peaceful setting filled with religious decorations and tales. At the other side of the river we walked through the lesser-known areas until we arrived at the Eiffel Tower. I wish I had have taken the time to see this structure on an evening, as I am sure it would have looked far more captivating. As a child I remember this area to be clean and well cared for, however, this time I was not as impressed. I suppose this is just one of the downsides of tourism, but I know that it cannot be helped. On the other hand, I was still pleased with the time that I spent in Paris and as I have mentioned before, I did not want to waste a single opportunity on this trip. That evening we all attended a traditional Parisian meal then headed to a cabaret show. It was sad knowing it was our last night together, but after reminiscing about all of the notable moments of the trip, it made me realise just how much of a great time we all had together.

The 13^th August was by far the worst day of the tour. As some of us embarked the coach, we waved goodbye to those that were staying behind to either fly home or continue on with their travels. It was only at this point when I realised just how quickly the tour had flown by.  Now that I think back, it was as though as soon as we hit Italy, everything seemed to run at 100mph. I cannot even pick one moment that was a highlight- every single second was a new and notable experience. I am incredibly sad that it has all come to an end, but the friends and memories I have taken away from the past 18 days will be something to treasure forever.

For those that were with me on the tour, I cannot thank you enough for making my entire experience everything I could have dreamed of and more. I do not think any of you will realise just how much this trip meant to me in terms of my motivations and recovery journey, but you have made the past couple of weeks the most rewarding and memorable of my life.

Next stop...Australia!

What Can Happen In a Year...

I just want to apologise in advance if this transformation image has a negative impact on anybody, but I just wanted to prove to myself, and everybody else that is suffering with Anorexia, that recovery is so worth it. Do not get me wrong, it is the hardest battle I have ever had to endure, but I think that after looking at this photo comparison, I can safely say that it is worth it. It scares me that I had no idea that I looked like this and could not understand why everyone was making such a big deal about my health. However, I can only thank those people now for raising concerns when I was completely oblivious as to what damage my illness was causing. I am proud of how far I have come, but I am more than aware of how far I have still to go.

One Need for Control at a Time...

My eating disorder is primarily driven by the need for control. As my illness progressed, this became an absolute compulsion in all situations. Food products, meal preparation and timings were gradually manipulated, to ensure that I had control over all aspects of scenarios surrounding food. I have no idea where this stemmed from, but I presume it has a definitive link to my perfectionist traits, as well as feeling as though I had no control over other situations, such as my problems at university.

Initially, the control over products, meals and timings went seemingly unnoticed by my family and friends, as I had always taken an interest in cooking. However, I quickly began to divert from the meals that they were having and preparing my own. Family meals such as spaghetti bolognese and fishcakes were swiftly replaced by very plain meals, usually consisting of a protein source and vegetables. The idea of sauces and manufactured products, with potentially hidden ‘badness’ incorporated into them, absolutely petrified me. Worried that I was going to raise suspicions about my individual meal preparation, I started cooking ‘healthy’ meals for the whole family- without adding certain elements to my own plate. With time, I started to weigh everything that I was eating as well. Weighing all products when they were dry and again when they were cooked- just to make sure it was ‘exactly’ what was stated on the nutritional information label on the packaging. The measuring was incredibly precise- not a gram over. This was all feeding into my desire for control, and when I did not, this caused more distress, manifesting itself as very bizarre behaviours.

When I did eat a meal that was prepared by another person, whether that was a family member, a friend or at an eatery, my entire demeanor changed. I became a shell- controlled entirely by my Anorexia. Staring at the plate, I would completely zone out from my surroundings. I was unable to communicate- fundamentally focused on how I was going to eat what had been presented in front of me.

With no idea of the substances that have been used to prepare the meal, but knowing that I have to eat it, my desire for control revealed itself in the way that I ate it. Only now looking back I can see how extreme they must have looked, but at the time it felt completely normal and justified. I do not want to go into too much detail, as I do not want this to have a negative impact on sufferers that may be reading this. However, I do want to educate others about the severe behaviours that an eating disorder can display.

Initially I would separate everything on the plate, making sure that no foods touched each other. Particularly with sauces, this was very difficult, but I tried my absolute hardest to make sure that the liquid did not ‘contaminate’ another aspect of the meal. Once this part of the preparation was carried out, I would then begin to chop up each element. Again, as my illness became more severe I began to develop an obsession with numbers, and this meant that certain food items had to be cut into a certain amount of pieces before I would consider eating them. Squares- everything had to be cut into rows or squares, for example a slice of toast or even a jacket potato. These behaviours were heightened in hospital, as I had no knowledge about what I was eating, and in the beginning stages, I had no involvement in portion sizes. This was incredibly distressing for me, and more ritualistic actions surfaced, which even to this day I am struggling to shake off.

When I returned home from hospital we had to buy new cutlery and crockery. This was because I had become obsessed with a specific bowl, plate, knife, fork and spoon. My parents and I knew that the only way to overcome this would be to discard them and purchase a new set. I know that lots of people have favourite items that they like to eat with, but I was so fixated on them that my mood swings would become extremely turbulent if my routine was in anyway disrupted.

With the new utensils introduced and the weighing scales tucked away, I found it very difficult to maintain the control that my eating disorder desired. This caused havoc with the negative thoughts and feelings in my head, and my emotions became extremely varied. I found it very difficult to trust that what I was doing was ‘correct’. Not having a professional there to prompt me as to what was right or wrong, I felt an enormous amount of guilt, as the responsibility about what I was eating was ultimately mine again. There was also the agonising need to not display my emotions, or take them out on my family members, as I was incredibly upset about what I had already put them through, prior to my hospital admission. However, this helped me a lot during my transition from hospital, to Evolve, to home. Instead of channeling my frustration through behaviours I had developed whilst eating a meal, I managed to control my anorexia by eating the meal ‘normally’, including engaging in conversation, and then discussing my anxieties afterwards. It was this method of communication that I had not been able to carry out before, and being able to pinpoint that, with the support of my family, has helped me a lot during my recovery. I also want to stress that at this point I am also a lot healthier than what I was prior to my time in hospital. Consequently, I am able to rationalise situations a lot better, as my brain is not deprived of any vital substances that it needs to function properly. I noticed this dramatically when I started to reintroduce ‘old’ foods back into my diet at home, and I was able to talk myself through the reasons why I needed each aspect of the meal. This is a complete contrast to the way I would have approached it before- viewing it as a project that I had no choice but to finish.

Writing about the extent to which my eating disorder pushed me in order to gain control has been difficult to reflect on. Thinking back to the lifeless person my anorexia led me to become upsets me. I think of all of the valuable family time I have missed out on, purely because I could only eat a meal if I completely absorbed myself into my destructive behaviours. It has proven to me just how important nutrition is when making people think rationally about situations. It is this deprivation that I believe heightened my desires for control. Building on the perfectionism traits and inability to communicate problems, this was the only way I felt I could have stability in my life.

One Family Occasion at a Time...

With my family dispersed all over the country, seeing close relatives is a rare, yet hugely special occasion. Recently, I have had the pleasure of making the journey down south to see two sides of the family for two separate events. Now when I say that seeing my family is a special occasion, I am thrilled to say that both of these instances were made all the more joyous, as they were for two very beautiful weddings.

Being invited to witness the marriage of two exceptionally happy couples was a wonderful experience and something I am incredibly thankful to have been asked to attend. It has been a long time since I have spent a weekend away and it be filled with nothing other than happiness, laughter and love- then two happened within the space of two weeks! Yes, there was the usual challenges that cropped up, but I am recognising now that I have the strength to push them to the back of my mind and enjoy the moment. This was made all the more easier as I was greeted with some very kind comments about my appearance, my personality and my presence. Hearing positive remarks about myself is something that I do find difficult to absorb, but with my recent realisation as to where I was both mentally and physically this time last year, I allowed myself to accept the compliments as apposed to fighting them off.

The anticipation of the first wedding was a little overwhelming for me at first. Of course I was excited about the day’s events, however, there was lots of niggling thoughts that I found very difficult to ignore. Unsure of the timings, food situation and the setting, I decided, along with my family, that it would be best to be very prepared for the occasion. To make me feel as comfortable as possible, we did take with us an array of snacks and even a sandwich, just to make sure that I was well nourished throughout the day. I was initially very concerned about what people would think about me bringing my own food, but deep down I knew that it was the only way to make certain that I was going to sustain my energy levels throughout the day. Unsurprisingly, the anxiety built up in anticipation was far more significant than the anxiety throughout the duration of the day- as I am coming to realise is always the case! However, with this being the first wedding I had attended in a long time, let alone since I have been ill, I was not prepared to take any chances. As everyone queued up for the hog roast, I collected my sandwich from the cooler bag and placed it on my plate to eat with the other guests. I do not eat pork anyway, so the hog roast would not have even been an option, but as I made my way to the salad bar, I did see a variety of vegetarian options that I would have been more than happy to try. I think that after attending this event, it is important for me to realise that people really do not care. I sat and ate my sandwich alongside everyone else and not once did anybody comment, ask questions or make me feel uncomfortable. Granted it may have been because everybody knows about my condition, but in all honesty, I really do not believe that people are bothered about what everybody else is doing. When you are sat in a beautifully decorated teepee, with wonderful music and family to talk to, even I can say that the food I was ingesting became a seemingly insignificant factor.

As day rolled into night, I remember becoming incredibly relaxed. I do not know if it was because I felt as though the main challenges were over and that I could enjoy the rest of the evening, but I recall experiencing very limited negative thoughts. In fact, they were so limited that I did something that at any other time would have probably had a substantial impact on my mood and behaviours- I accepted a piece of the wedding cake. Lovingly made by my cousin, this beautiful cake had sat in prime position at the entrance of the teepee and as it was cut, I was excited to try a piece. It was delicious and although I experienced some guilt, as soon as the band started and the music captured my thoughts, the negativity just seemed to drift away. Gazing at the dance floor and watching everybody enjoying dancing away, an element of the ‘carefree Jess’ stepped in and I made my way over to join them. I had a truly wonderful day and am so grateful to have been asked to attend such a special day. I learned so much from the event, not only with regards to dealing with my problems, but more so that there is nothing better in life than experiencing love and happiness.

As the weekend of the second wedding approached, I felt surprisingly relaxed. After a very positive psychologist appointment earlier in the week, I realised that I had so much more to look forward to in life than dwelling on what should be a lovely weekend. The problem is, my frame of mind means that I always see the negatives that could potentially occur. I constantly think about the worst-case scenarios, even if I know that there is nothing I can do to ‘solve’ them. Again, this wedding was the perfect opportunity to reconnect with family, possibly meeting some relatives that I have never seen before, which although I was incredibly excited about, I was worried about how I looked and how I would behave. I knew that there were going to be a few occasions where, if I were just with my close family, I would typically deal with the situation by shutting down and completely avoiding conversation; becoming totally absorbed in my thoughts. However, as usual, the anxiety built up through the mental preparation for the potential of some ‘horrendous’ scenarios had no presence during the entire event.

Boarding the beautiful vintage double decker bus to make our way to the church, I was incredibly excited to by immersed in another magical wedding. Unaware of how long the ceremony was going to be and having had breakfast a few hours before, I recognised that this journey would be the perfect opportunity to eat a snack. I glanced around the bus, quickly realising that nobody else was consuming any food and the fact that I had even considered a snack did encourage feelings of guilt and greed to ricochet through my mind. After a lengthy debate within my own head, fighting between the thoughts of why I need the nutrients and ‘why I do not need the calories’, I asked mum for the snack bar that was in her clutch bag. As per usual, once the battle was over, I was absolutely fine whilst consuming the snack- even engaging in conversation. I knew I needed it, I could feel my body beckoning for the sugar as my hands started to shake.

A particular moment that I realised this may become an issue was during the reception when the three course meal was being served. The anticipation of the social situation, being around people that may not know my problems, being presented with a plate that contained food that I had not known about prior to it being served- in my head it became the foundation for an exhausting battle. However, I found that this was not the case. At this point, I was genuinely hungry and I think that had a huge impact on how I confronted the dish in front of me. Instead of having time to debate about what to choose, what is the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ meal to pick, analysing what everybody else was eating; the decision was made for me. I am not saying it would have been what I would have necessarily picked, but I ate it because my body needed nourishing. No nasty behaviours crept in- I still engaged in conversation, I still made eye contact and if I am honest, I was looking around for the next course! The main was a struggle, as it was meat that I do not like, but as I cannot stress enough, I already had a back up plan prepared. When the fantastic speeches were over and the room was cleared for the band to set up, I headed back to the room for a replacement meal- cereal and milk. Maybe not the nutritious and wholesome substitution, although, it was something I was comfortable with and in terms of calories, it was enough to fulfill its purpose. As we headed back down to the party, I felt refueled, calm and, as much as I believe the word doesn’t exist, normal. With my body nourished, my mind became clear of all eating disorder related thoughts, which had a hugely positive impact on me socially. I spent the evening chatting away to family members and learning about my past- it really was a special night.

Attending these beautiful events has truly made me think about my personal goals for happiness. Seeing two couples wonderfully content in each other’s company was inspiring. Saying their vows, it was as if they were encompassed in their own bubble, seemingly oblivious of the witnesses present in the room. It was a magical spectacle- free of judgment, uncertainty or fear. They have found their perfect match- somebody that makes them feel special and worthy, somebody to support them and encourage their dreams, somebody to make and share beautiful memories with. I can only hope that one day I may find somebody that will be the perfect match for me.

One Anniversary at a Time...

Thursday 16^th July 2015- the day I walked through the door of Rharian Fields Specialist Eating Disorder Unit as a voluntary inpatient. Emaciated, desperate and exhausted; I admitted defeat to a long battle with my mind and my body. Unable to live a life without the torturous effects of my eating disorder, it was time to pass on the responsibility of my care to the 24/7 aid of the hospital.

In the weeks prior to my admission, I remember nothing other than tears, fear and despair. Every day was a horrendous battle, not only with my head but also with my family and health professionals. I fought so hard to avoid the notion of hospital admission, but it was inevitable. Curled up in the chair during my final assessment, I sobbed- begging for a place in hospital. I could not do it anymore. I wanted to live my life, but this was not how I wanted to live it. Stripped of my ability to drive, my family holiday to Italy cancelled and my knees making me weep with every step; this wasn’t life, it was existence.

So with the anniversary date approaching, how do I feel? At first, I took the self-criticism avenue- a failure, unworthy of the care and riddled with guilt. Why? Why do I always resort to finding the negatives of a situation? Is it because it is easier to put yourself down than to acknowledge praise? Well, as the anniversary dawns, so does a shift in my mindset.

Leaving my psychologist appointment this evening, I was filled with happiness. Reflecting on the state I was in this time last year and where I am now, I recognised just how far I have come in a relatively short space of time. My physical health has improved dramatically, my mental health has improved enormously and my ability to live an ambitious and fulfilling life has improved considerably. Yes, it has taken a long while to get to this point- 7 assessments, 4 months in hospital, 6 weeks attending a day patient service and fortnightly GP, dietician and psychologist appointments- but it has all been worth it to get to where I am right now.

To celebrate the occasion, I decided to buy a gift from me, to me! Flicking through the Pandora book, I came across a beautiful charm that was labeled as representing ambition. I knew immediately that it expressed exactly how I wanted to remember this past year- a year of determination, but also how I want to live the rest of my life. Naturally, my motivations in life have changed. Ask me a few years ago and I would have told you that my ambitions in life were to achieve academic success. Ask me now and I will tell you that my ambitions are to be healthy, happy and generous.

This past year has been the hardest experience I have ever had to endure, but it is something that I never want to forget. So as the 16^th July 2016 arrives, I will not mark it as a day of sadness, desperation and hopelessness. Instead, I will mark it as the beginning of the rest of my life- a day of strength, discovery and most importantly, pride.

One Research Study at a Time...

The ongoing development of treatment options for eating disorders is something that I have always been curious about. At the start of my own treatment, I was under the impression that the only way you can recover was to have self-motivation. I tried multiple different options to get better from mindfulness and CBT, to educational and self esteem groups. I guess that is the major positive of inpatient treatment, is that you have the time and resources to be able to find a method that works for you. I have found that for me, there is not a specific method that works just perfectly for me, but a combination of a few. Patience is not a strong point for me when it comes to my recovery; hence I still find myself searching that ‘miracle cure’- even though I know it doesn’t exist.

So how did I feel about the receipt of an email inviting me to take part in a research study, with the potential of informing new treatment methods for eating disorder sufferers? I think curious would be the word- with a hint of scepticism. I read the email a few times and pursued my curiosity by replying inquisitively about the nature of the study. Obviously, the question at the forefront of my mind was if participating would impact on my own recovery. However, I could not help but become fascinated by the possibilities of the study, in terms of learning more about the way my brain functions or the future of eating disorder treatment.

Following my reply, I received a detailed explanation of the study and its aims. 

The research is being conducted by Sarah Trufhitt- a psychology student at the University of Hull. The title of the study is 'The Effect of tDCS (transcranial direct current stimulation) on Body Image Perception in Eating Disorders'. The task is focused on exploring the activity of an eating disorder sufferer’s brain, to investigate how they perceive their bodies. Using prior knowledge about both sides of the brain, the study aims to examine the possibility of balancing out the activity levels to improve body image. 

As I have previously mentioned, I have struggled a lot with my body image, even more so in my recovery. It was inevitable that my body was going to change as I became healthier, yet I did not expect the turbulent relationship I would have with my emotions regarding my shape, size and weight. Particularly after the difficulties that I experienced on holiday, with regards to my conflicting observations about my body in different situations, my interest in this study heightened. I am becoming increasingly frustrated with the way I perceive my body and feel that improving this aspect of my illness would have a significant impact on my recovery. Plus, I thought that even if the study didn’t have a positive impression on me, it might inspire the creation of a new treatment method that could positively change the lives of others. Therefore, it may come as no surprise that I agreed to take part.

From what I can gather so far, the study involves the application of small pads that conduct a non-invasive current to the front of my brain, to look at the perception areas of how we decide our body image. I will then take part in a computer task, which involves me judging where I think my body image matches the one on the screen. Following the first session, I will then take part in another 2, around 3-5 days apart.

I am not going to lie and say that I was euphoric about the idea of an electrical current pulsating through my brain, but my curiosity and optimism about the study seemed to overrule my fear. An important aspect of my recovery has always been to find reasoning behind why my eating disorder makes me experience things in the way that it does. Therefore, the possibility of finding a logical explanation for my difficulties surrounding body image may help me to firstly accept it, and then work on it with the help of the support around me.

Monday evening will be my first session taking part in the study, so fortunately I have not had time to question my decision! After plenty of supportive reassurance, I can say that I am looking forward to simply taking part in the experience and more importantly, feeling as though I have contributed to the future of eating disorder research.  

Sarah is looking for female participants aged 18 and over who have previously, or are still suffering from an eating disorder, or who have high body concerns which affects their daily life. If you would like to get in contact with Sarah to discuss the study or feel you would be a suitable candidate for involvement, please email her at sarahtruf@gmail.com